Possession Media

Often one of the reasons that pulp horror appeals is the common trope of friendship. For most, adulthood happens, people disappear, they move on; it’s just life. So there’s an almost intoxicating sense of nostalgia when the cast of characters as long-term buddies, all liberated from the world and its responsibilities by their trust and intimacy towards each other.

When the murders begin, the situation becomes more extreme as the buddies as fight for their lives – together. Unlike strangers, they resist abandoning one another, and desperately attempt saving their companions rather than leave them behind. The whole tragedy is compounded by the simple element that the characters truly value each other.

Dark Ride spends nearly the entire time trying to achieve this and just doesn’t make the cut. As pretty much everything else is some tedious yarn about something to do with an escaped insane aslyum maniac, this is all that it leaves itself with, and still can’t pull it off. With such a tedious story and lack of imagination, the failure to produce a convincing fantasy about young relationships is an impressively terrible stroke of ineptitude.

Following its gory introduction, which at least promises some kind of demented mayhem, the remainder of the tale resolves around a completely superficial set of characters and killers. All are abysmally unlikable and disposable, by being so distant, unlikable, and empty. They become such a chore to watch and the dogshit performances don’t help either.

Though there is an endless goldmine of opportunity with the horror carousel theme, offering rich possibilities from the psychological to the merely slapstick, the directors barely explore or research their ideas at all beyond the most predictable and staple ingredients. With such a lack of content or experimentation, all that’s left are the most basic and safest predictable slasher clichés, which are barely enough to thrill anyone beyond the age of 13.

What makes things worse is how tough it is to even think of any improvements that could be done to make it better, at least without firing 95% of the cast. The sets are somewhat suitably deranged, the masks are at least a preliminary endeavour, and the almost supernatural strength of the antagonist could have been exploited. Now I’d like to get off this ride please.

1/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0433963/

I can never get this series. The first one is dreary and industrial, second is Blade Runner dark then the third is set in the blazing desert? Also why does each story have literally no relation to the next. Jesus christ what is your fucking problem?

The third installment of Cyborg is about a cyborg which wants to protect their child. Even though built artificiallly, through some mutation, their evolution has developed properties to the point that they can reproduce organically. “Recylcers”, or aggressive salvagers, are there to try and steal the equipment for a bargain price.

While most of the plot resolves around some tiresome conflict with the demise of humanity, some organic cyborgs have managed to develop life, and the surviving hicks can’t deal with them. Various stories and conflicts evolve but none of them are interesting or even coherent enough to take seriously, let alone understand.

Even though all performances in this film are terrible, along comes Bryniarski. What’s this guy doing here? Was he on the wrong way to Kevin Cosner’s Waterworld? His dutiful appearance is reasonably strong, and his diagonal jaw appears to be built out of platinum; probably also used to build submarines and warheads and that kind of thing.

Apart from that, despite its wild and exciting industrial themes, Cyborg 3 offers almost nothing original or of merit; not even any good music or designs. With suck a lack of orginality and creativity, this film just sucks. The only good part is the decent techno track at the beginning. Would hump a hooker to that, I guess.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112765/

Wracked with the death, violence and misery of plague, the remaining authority is incensed by the report of survivors, and goes out to kill them all. Well, what else do you expect when you get the christians involved.

In this song of doom set in medieval times, a fanatic leads a band of killers to reach a mysterious village where all have seem to have suspiciously avoided the tidal wave of disease which has destroyed most of the country. Unimpressed to hear of such withcraft and fearing unrest, they soon dispatch to remedy this source of evil, clear in their minds that not all are worthy of forgiveness.

Scenes of burning human pyres should be a dead giveaway on this one. Wasting barely any time on romance or theatrics, Black Death leaps into a grim world of torture and survival, delighting in the reality of disease, relishing its grief, misery, and senseless devastation. Characters, settings and developments and are stressed to be represented as genuine and authentic rather than mythical or strange, and there’s sense of atmosphere, especially when you hear the gentle carass of a glove over a rack of bloody torture equipment.

Performances are fantastic, but it’s the fascinating accuracy of the costumes, rituals and props which really sell the show. Moreover, Black Death deftly navigates religion, avoiding to make great judgements, instead mostly satisfied with trying to make itself a slowly developing tale. This is its main flaw: for the characters soon drift into the distance against a slow and plodding story which fails to grip you or demand attention, nor effectively balance the mythology and realism that it so well portrays.

While the lack of structure or tension sadly descends into banality, the ending is fantastic, with the creation of this amazing antagonist built on denial and self-deceit. The subversion of an innocent adolescent into heartless persecutor in the final moment is brilliant and shows an understanding of psychology way beyond most of the feckless meandering and wandering that makes up the body of the flick. What a waste. Still worth a watch though.

5/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Death_(film)

Part adventure, part sci-fi, and mostly incomprehensible, this amazingly idiotic take on artifical intelligence makes barely any sense at all. Though beginning as an exotic post-apocalyptic tale, each scene becomes more separated from reality, meandering vaguely between wilderness and the urban world without really explaining itself.

The acting is dogshit. Not a particle of talent exists. Despite parading in a technologically advanced world, the film routinely collapses into realms of early American noir, crime, even cowboy themes, without any sufficient reason to do so. While encouraging itself with gunfights, it soon becomes exhausting and dull to tolerate the inane lack of structure or story.

With the themes of virtual and alternate reality, there’s some room for maneoveur; especially the main antagonist, which appears to be based on some kind of futuristic Pinhead. With a little luck and work it could have been close to a classic villain. Sadly, his character is barely used, built, or taken advantage of let alone explored.

This is some bad shit. It’s really bad and needs avoiding like pulsating red lava or green-glowing radioactive waste. One thing that has to be said though. When Deborah Shelton unloads that supreme rack. Oh my god! You can guess what this score is based on.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110851/

It’s time for a piece a shit slasher! Teens must fight for their lives in a deadly game of survival against a supernatural evil while they camp at a lake and mysteriously die then whatever it doesn’t matter you’ve already got it.

This one has no brains, no ideas and no ability. The inability of the characters to generate a meaningful or convincing connection ensures that any interesting personality is thwarted. Since most of the film is based on relationships, its limited exploration is a major and fatal failing.

Despite the total lack of any budget or even any particular talent, the simplicity of the show has a little charm and shows some bravery, and there’s an efficiency of direction which makes the film watchable. It’s clear there was barely any money in this production and yet the participants still wanted to do this, and managed it somehow.

The blonde guy and black-haired girl provide some comic relief, the neurotic tall guy is kind of likeable, and the sociable Hispanic dude does a doable job as a leader. It’s clearly only meant to be a primitive knock-off; if you can manage to crawl through to the end there’s actually an interesting rewarding twist provided you paid attention.

Another sad casuality is the amazing “Lake Effect” song from the resident band which appears to have been forgotten by time. Based on the vengeful thoughts following an accident involving an ice cream van, it’s creative and brilliant. Took me ages to find the record and it was worth it.

This got featured on Bloody-Disgusting as “Number 5 of the 10 lamest days of horror of all time”. Yeah, it’s complete nonsense; no lie about that. At least it tries. Being stupid is fine, being dull is okay, being incompetent is alright. Not trying is the real crime.

3/10

How low can a movie go when it comes to budget? Is there an established consensus or clasffication of how poor a production can be? If not, let’s propose one; starting with tight budget, low budget, strapped for cash, art student, financially illiterate, permanently on welfare, living out of a shack, hunted by hitmen, with finally the ultimate of all: Alien Intruder.

Four unfortunate men are facing the remainder of their lives in a pitiful and violent incarceration when a military officer suddenly offers an opportunity for freedom. All is well until a mysterious woman appears, weaving amongst the men and wield them against each other to cause mayhem and murder.

The beginning of the journey is composed of laser-fights and beatdowns. This attempt to excite and engage the viewer is actually rather dull and uninvolving, mostly due to the incompetence of the camera. Packed full of overused tropes and clichés, the story soon becomes incredibly tiresome and samey; the foul-mouthed script and filth-minded seducer can’t replace the lack of imagination.

Probably its most interesting point is the holographic world created as a reward for the doomed convicts. Each makes their own choice, and each chooses a different style which appreciates their personality. With a little more development this could have been more interesting as there’s some fun to be had in watching the characters reveal themselves through their fantasies.

What is so hateful about this film is how everything is so sleazy and cheap. It’s not just the hilarious paper mâché spaceships, the painfully dated 60’s designs, the sad empty sets – many seeming as makeshift as possible and lacking sufficient props – the ripped off lines and lack of improvision, the brainless characters, the incredibly annoying MIDI music with repeated stock sound effects;

It’s the lack of thrills, originality, inspiration, or content. Any interest the makers had in their creation is virtually nil. What are famous veterens Tracy Scoggins and Billy Dee doing, known for their legendary talent, used to spectacular backdrops, why are they even hanging out in these dusty old dungeons in a terminally boring sci-fi? Guess you got to find some kind of work to pay for that crack habit.

2/10

Ready to sleep? You sure will be after this coma-inducing bullshit about a killer made out of sand – that’s if you can get past the unbelievably bad title track (which happens to be a staple of the film).

After presenting a somewhat interesting introduction which sets the scene for a disaster and an evil presence, the film presents its troupe who are off to hit the big time by writing about a group of local gangbangers. The most notable of these from start to finish is certainly Megan: a beaming, boyish blonde with a zesty attitude, colgate wink, and an intention to fuck the protagonist (she never does because he dies at the end).

From its workable beginnings, the rudimentary understanding of tragedy and suspense is rapidly punctured by a repetitive cycle of episodic nonsense. Minor characters are introduced, cycled and dispatched far too quickly, wasting their personalities and talent, and the entire adventure eventually rabbit holes itself into some unconvincing yarn about birthright.

The titular character kind of makes a cool antagonist. Their entrances are formidable and the voice acting is dynamic. His powers are reasonable, such as crumbling into dust, and limited to the point in which a mortal may defend themselves, like moisture or sunlight; the special effects being halfway decent to this.

Unfortunately, Sandman’s lack of intelligence is ridiculous. When he isn’t mumbling nursery rhymes to himself, his lines are atrocious “It’s bedtime!” Considering his powers, his creators may have known that high temperatures turn sand into glass, cement and sand creates concrete and so on, which would have expanded his deadliness.

No matter how bad it is, I can’t help thinking that with a little more work, the supernatural element of Sandman character and the preliminary experiments of realism could have been explored further to develop a more sophisticated monster which would surely have encouraged a meatier story and a darker horror.

2/10

Thrill-seeking teen (that should be obvious) takes on society in this racy and hormone-pumped yarn about a rich kid who can’t seem to stay out of trouble no matter how much money their family throws at the problem.

Morgan is a young man with a bright future but threatened with an attraction to the wild side. Moved away to begin a new start, he instantly attracts attention when he crosses a bunch of thugs, and his relationship with them doesn’t improve when he tries to steal the leaders’ girl. He gets punched in the balls for that.

This is pretty routine 80’s material designed specifically for young adults of the decade, along with its fairly predictable themes of rebellion against strict authority and glorification of adolescence. The territory stays on naturally safe terms; nobody dies or loses their limbs, the winner gets the girl, and most scenes generally include graffiti, leather jackets, cars, wild dresses, miniskirts, sunglasses – you get the idea.

Its obsession with fashion makes it for limited viewing, but at least it brings some cracking tunes! There’s a great selection of rock ‘n’ roll, disco, and funk, and even a few dance numbers which all help to keep a positive mood and energetic pace. It really blends in well with the free-spirited and carefree attitude of the troubled teens who have enough trouble facing adversery in their youth.

4/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090213/

Upruptly awakened from hypersleep, two spacemen on an intergalactic vessel are faced with the curious question of their missing comrades and disappeared memories. Lost in darkness and space, the remaining crew embarks on a rescue mission for themselves to save humanity.

Although well produced with a cast of competent actors, a clearly sizable budget, and even initiating with a sense of mystery that resembles the classic Cube, the ferocious editing and hammy script work to scramble the brain and make watching a chore. By the first 20 minutes it’s obvious that the narrative relies on a repetitive cycle of hyperbole, suspense and action, which gets rapidly becomes intolerable.

Quad and Foster’s overacting theatrics are immediately repulsive. Traue does a nice version of a mila jovovich, a hottie who speaks eengrish with big tits. The emotions they share are few and primitive, not unlike the mutant cannibal tribespeople foes, completely vapid and superficial – possibly what the director expected their audience to be.

What’s worse is that Pandorum rips off Alien so much. The set design, architecture, costumes, antagonists, concepts, characters, storyline twist. With just a little work it could have been salvaged as a dark fantasy tale. But as it stands, this is painful and as bad as it can get.

1/10

It happens to everyone. You’re taking a stroll or cruising through town, innocently exploring a street or an area with no real objective or reason, appreciating some well-kept terraces, idly lost in your own thoughts. Suddenly the gardens appear delapitated. Public transport seems to be missing. Filth is everywhere. Why are there no police? Welcome to the hood, dumbass.

Girls Gone Dead is a trip on the wrong side of town, and not in a good way. Our trek follows the adventures of some brain-dead bitches who decide to get drunk and party on a weekend trip and thankfully get chopped up into pieces by an axe-weilding maniac. It’s stupid, it’s sleazy, it’s dumb, and someone clearly didn’t stop to think that putting seven teenage girls in a room together for 2 days doesn’t NEED a murderer for the killing to begin.

For the whole, there’s nothing particularly good or bad here; this is plain old unashamed and unpretentious fun. The gore and props are okay, the tunes are alright, and the performances are the best you’re going to get from a cast of lead actors which are performing in front of a camera without a dick down their throat for the first time, with all the acting talent you can find in a bangbros porno.

There’s a lot of comedy too, with quips littered throughout the script, and also these spoof commercials. In the opening, a television evangelist laments “These souls are in danger”, with the response “These girls’ holes, that’s what’s in danger”. Despite being very simple, these mock advertisements are actually pretty funny and probably even the best parts of the film itself.

An hour and a half is a little too long and it would have easily been improved by shaving off a few minutes – especially by removing some of the initial scenes and cutting to the chase a little faster. A little more obscenity could have been great for the entertainment factor. And that’s about it. Girls Gone Dead, dumber than a rock, straighter than an arrow, and cheaper than your own mother.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1884318/