Author: Ritual

The US military is endlessly prone to blunders. Vietnam, Afghanistan, and in this dumbass teen b-movie, releasing a swarm of intelligent nanobots which transform crocodile and zoo attraction Stella into a lethal cybernetic predator upon hundreds of partying American teens: proving they can do something right for once.

But the air force believes otherwise, and enforces a lockdown on the attraction after declaring Robocroc to be contained by any cost necessary – despite its taste for human blood. Will they succeed? Will the animal keepers help? Does anyone really care at all?

Let’s cut to the chase and discuss the titular croc. The animation is… interesting. Well, it’s pretty fucking terrible, and there’s not much you can expect with this level of amateurism. Its form is blurred and unconvincing, the model noticeably warps out of shape or relevance to its surroundings, and the shaking camera makes it worse.

Luckily the acting is superior. The conflict and animosity between the and the zoo staff is a finer point. The two losers and their bullies are a satisfying and wasted dynamic. And the lady commander is impressive and striking – far more authorative than her spineless men.

The orchestral direction which the soundtrack takes isn’t a bad choice. Although it stinks of bravado and jingoism (as does the script), their quality and composition is okay, it’s a solid improvement from cheesy house music or whatever the composer feels like they turn around in 5 minutes in Ableton Live.

As should be clear at the very first sight, the loss is the poorly constructed robo-thing. Its semblance of a story and handful of props are better in comparison. It is so tough to look at and such a badly rendered monster for 2013; surely, somewhere, there could have been enhancements or ideas that would have dramatically improved its presence and delivery.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3188560/

The next time you have a bad day, spare a thought for the unfortunate survivors inhabiting the world set in Rakka. Ranking somewhere in crappiness between Terminator and the Matrix, the odds on humanity’s future are slim to none when invaders take over the planet and begin to terraform it into their personal vacation space.

That’s until the few soldiers left suddenly discover an opportunity to turn the tide. And with the last of earth’s forces reduced to a measly handful of fighters versus an endless supply of mind-controlling lizards who are turning the remaining population against itself, they could use every chance they get.

With a premise so bleak and dire, the glimmers of hope are what suck the viewer in – and it’s a great strategy. Mostly driven by cool and dry narration upon busy action scenes, Rakka is a visually powerful no-nonsense apocalypse flick which is criminally too short at only 20 minutes yet a worthwhile view all the same.

It’s such a relief the story skips the inane romance or relationship crap that contaminates so much sci-fi, and dutifully concentrates on the despondency and insignificance of the human opposition to their oppressors. Weaver is another thankful addition, perfectly filling the role of leader and commander by doing what she’s always done best – saving the world from aliens.

More positives are the strong production setup and superior SFX. The gruesome landscapes of bodies and bones are fantastically presented. Some of the costumes and makeup are impressively original, most especially the man with half his body replaced with an imaginative combination of futuristic machinery and evil alien goo.

This is pretty darn good! A pity it’s finished before you know it, and the many loose ends aren’t ever tidied up or resolved. And although technically stunning, Rakka is turns out to be hardly anything you’ve never seen in the past. Still, definitely worth a watch.

5/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6990734/

What’s the worst thing we can find in the snow? Aliens? Diseases? Ancient Gods? No, it’s man himself in the questionably written Antarctic Journal, where a group of intrepid explorers from South Korea become almost as lost as the plot they’ve been left stranded in.

Initiating with smiles and laughter, the ordeal of stress and isolation doesn’t take long to impact upon the crew, and once the deaths begin, tension, distrust and madness is only around the corner. Also they discover a diary of other voyagers who went crazy too, so that’s definitely not good.

The well established and graceful cinemotography is a nice feature. This is where its production budget spends its money most wisely, utilizing a clever and creative diversity of shots and compositions which are well designed to illustrate psychological environments as well as practical hardships in the Arctic wasteland of the story.

Shame there isn’t much of it. The protagonists are stunted and thwarted from their humanity, hardly appearing filled out enough for a drama and more built as pins to be casually knocked over. The tentative suggestions of the supernatural leave a bad taste in the mouth when they’re revealed as elaborately dishonest and intentionally misleading deceptions. And the score is on thin ice, comprising of drab synths, unimaginative strings and hollow drums.

A partial recovery is down to the performances. Apparently this held a fairly well-known cast on its release, hinting that the intention was possibly to sell the film based on their names and acting qualities. It’s not a bad move, as their confidence and ambition on screen is bold and assuring.

Does this make up for the dry and underdevelopment of the script? Nope. The cold and uninspiring journey with its uninteresting characters is half an hour longer than it really needs to be; and doesn’t land on a very solid or impressive ending. If you’ve survived that far though, you’re a fool for expecting anything else. (Fooled me too.)

4/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/namgeukilgi_antarctic_journal

Ugh. More cheap shocks & thrills in this thoughtless and poorly attempted low production yawner with a plot as appealing as a blocked toilet and a budget almost as small as its brain. Strap yourselves in and get ready for boredom with the dismal Altar.

After buying a house that they’ve never set foot in (exactly like the last review oddly), the Hamiltons are off to spruce up the place, make a new life for themselves, except it’s haunted by its previous occupants and everyone’s forgotten to buy ghost insurance. Don’t people research to see if their property is built on an ancient burial ground anymore?

It’s unreasonable to expect anything particularly artistic or innovative for a TV release, and still this is pretty poor stuff even for its league. The visual control feels so lopsided and unbalanced on screen, suggesting a lack of planning or coordination; and the shockers are preposterous, relying on aggressively jumbled editing, along with dull trumpets and screeching violins.

Performances are a gamble between workable and amateurish; Meg and Alec (Williams and Modine respectively) have their own strengths and talents as individuals, yet fail to meld convincingly as a team or work to a tempo together. This is the film’s most missed opportunity, as they’re clearly confident and comfortable as actors, yet appear as casting flaws all the same.

At rare times, there’s a few ideas toyed with – the painting on the moor scene for instance is unexpected, if somewhat left without expansion. The audio arrangement during the quieter moments isn’t terrible. And a couple of the jump scare parts are designed well enough to at least encourage a sense of discomfort.

And the badly composed framing really lets the show down, with the camera often working from weak and sloppy positions, and occasionally bizarre angles such as right behind props in front of the characters and completely interfering with the setting and the story. Sorry, but some films are left hidden.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt03484800/

Chiller Films again? These guys seem to be becoming popular in the low budget scene as of late. My first taste of them must have been the awful Dead Souls and the subpar Animal, while SiREN looks a little more promising. For now, let’s try out an older release, Deep in the Darkness.

Upon relocating to a idyllically isolated town of Ashborough to get away from the pressures of city life, Doctor Michael Cayle (Sean Patrick Thomas) is to ponder on the consequences of his choices. The locals are crazy, his kid’s seeing ghosts, there’s ritualistic murder, but these all pale in comparison to the real nightmare: no internet for miles. You sick bastards – you’ve gone too far this time.

The truth is, it’s a rather feckless horror – a better description is a dramatic thriller with paranormal overtones and the occasional drop of gore. Most of everything is revealed to be focused on Cayle’s dwindling relationship between his career, family and sanity. Thomas isn’t bad; maybe somewhat passive and secondary, he definitely fits the bill as a permanently bewildered outsider, as does his counterpart (Kristen Bush).

Two points of interest stand out. Number one is the warmly immersive score and resourceful sound design. There’s a sense of balance and control of the medium, with moments of silence, tension and explosion which are handled quite evenly, gluing with the action and suspense, and dressing formidably against the smoothly professional camera work.

The second is how incredibly shallow and weak the story turns out to be. Though its motor is usually running, characters are lame, their delivery is dry, and developments are infuriatingly predictable. And its novel adaption can’t be the culprit to blame for the hilariously silly suggestions and hints, such as the doc discovering a vial of bubonic plague left casually on the table of his opulent office. C’mon, please.

At 2 and a half hours in length, Deep in the Darkness is also vast. Who thought it would be a good idea to be so long? Yet there’s hardly any serious mistakes or outright errors which would deserve the wrath of a particularly poor conclusion, even if it does reveal itself to be too timidly unoffensive to be engaging or thrilling. Average and standard stuff – and that’s being nice.

4/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/deep_in_the_darkness

Holy shit a film with Bill Paxton which stinks? Never thought it was possible. For those who relish Aliens and Predator 2, this is like discovering his own troubled rendition of Waterworld. Well at least it’s not as bad as the Postman. Costner must be an inspiration for anyone struggling in their career after that disaster.

Set in the future following a global cataclysm, renegade and general lowlife Matt captures an escaped convict running from the local cops hoping to cash in the reward money for himself. When the stranger’s pacifistic personality surfaces, along with an obsession with religion and the power to perform miracles, it’s soon clear he isn’t everything he seems.

The bombastic orchestra and vast scenery camera shots are some of the ways which show how badly this sci-fi fantasy adventure wants to have an epic, almost classical style of storytelling; this fits nicely with the desert and sky settings. The solemn lines and their dry delivery also decide the tone.

It’s shame it doesn’t have the balls. The wise-cracking dialogue is so corny that could sit on a plate of ribs. Paxton is even more eccentric than usual, whose comedy relief is awkward and irritating considering his role as a leader; his murderous antagonists are spinelessly serious and tedious in comparison, except for perhaps the mysterious prisoner (Hamill).

Luckily, the plotline isn’t a flying mess, and Slipstream’s story is thankfully pinned down quite fiercely with pegs of mandatory catastrophes and recoveries typical for any relative 80’s trash. The fighting scenes suffer from particularly poor coordination however, and unless you’ve watched this before or are prepared to play with your video slider for a while, they’re exposed to appear messy and incomprehensible.

And it’s just so fucking goofy. The actors aren’t to blame, but a stronger balance in the casting with a updated and modern direction would probably have saved this from becoming such a forgettable yarn. And the end: “I hope you find that place you’ve been dreaming about!” OK, stop, that’s enough already.

3/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slipstream_(1989_film)

Iceland is the perfect setting for a horror movie. Cold, remote, filled with icy wastelands and treacherous mountains, yet tentatively close to civilization. Why doesn’t it get used more? Is Björk the only thing it’s ever going to produce? Kind of disappointing, not gonna lie.

Rift won’t disappoint however with its dark and gripping tale about two troubled lovers stalked by a strange and mysterious power that won’t seem to let them leave. And their clashing ideas on how a relationship works take a back seat, when something worse than merely their difficult past threatens to haunt them.

Most of the discussion is the strained bond between the fallen outs Gunnar (Stefánsson) and Einar (Óskarsson). Initiated by a bizarre phone call, Gunnar rushes to his ex-partner’s aid, just to discover everything is strangely okay. Is Einar simply acting up to snare Gunnar’s attention or are there larger things afoot?

The visual composition is excellent and technically impressive, laced with scenes of carefully maintained balance, fresh hues and tones, and takes advantage of Icelands natural beauty by capturing anything from Iceland’s wild landscapes to the smallest drop of water, even occasionally utilizing them as elements in the story. (Show-offs.)

While there’s rarely any overt terror or scares, the subtle buildups and the brooding score deliver a genuinely unsettling and creepy environment. Stefánsson and Óskarsson serve a faultless and confident performance, comfortable with their roles as characters struggling to find out who they really are.

The plot is also pretty decent. Gunnar is at a loss how to deal with his beloved or the ghostly supernatural forces that appear to be involved. And it may move at the pace of a stunned hundred-year old turtle at times, but its developments and revelations are nonetheless intriguing and satisfying.

My main complaints would be is single-minded fixation on the singular relationship which is a real limitation, and the production’s distraction with the perfection of its own aesthetics instead of breaking the rules. And what the hell was with the ending? Still, it’s a hearty watch, and certainly recommended if you’re willing to try an indie which knows what it’s doing.

5/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/rift

Otherwise known as Alien Crawl, or the affectionately titled “Crawl Bitch Crawl”, Crawl or Die is an action film about crawling. In an underground industrial tunnel. And that’s it. If you’re a railway maintenance worker, air vent installation man, or a modern troglodyte, oh wow, you’re gonna just love this.

With the curious introduction that all human life has lost its fertility apart from a woman, the poor survivor herself is suddenly thrown into an underground complex which appears to consist entirely of small, dark and claustrophobic crawlspaces. Led by a team of overweight special forces personnel, they fight for their lives against a relentless and human-devouring beast.

Mostly fixated on “Tank” (Nicole Alonso), a blonde wearing a tank top, leather boots and a new haircut, this flick seems to despise the idea of dialogue or narrative and attempts to be a slow, long, endless action scene. It’s comparable as an entire story built out of the nail-biting part of Alien where Ripley is facing the alien with a flamethrower, except there’s no flamethrower or a great motivation to bite any nails.

Not much invites the viewer on this ride: the content of the script is minimal and content is slashed to the bone, consisting virtually of frightened or infuriated yelps and curses, and the shameless lack of tangible plot is further punctured with aimless and directionless ineptitude. The monster is a inferior rip-off too; and a really bad rendition as well, dependent on exceptionally choppy editing to appear convincing.

Its best work is perhaps in the lush gory lighting that spills across so many scenes which crudely paint a bloody and dismal picture upon the backdrop of gritty realism. The landscape of atmospheric ambiance and animal growls isn’t exactly terrible either, though it’s ruined by the pornographic amount of women simply panting and gasping.

Finally, there are admittedly a few points where the sense of isolation does become eerily effective, as the protagonist becomes hopelessly more lost and stranded; and to focus purely on the intense struggle and torment of one person is brave, if almost slightly sadistic. So this isn’t a complete disaster as such. Better described as a questionable experiment, where the single premise of someone being caught in a tunnel could have used a little room for improvement.

3/10

https://www.crawlordietrilogy.com/

It’s completely abandoned medical facility. In the middle of straight up nowhere. And there’s large keep out signs everywhere. Do you avoid it like the plague? Maybe sneak a quick peek, if you’re curious? Or… camp right in the center of it overnight? If you’ve made it to the age of an adult, you should have the answer to this one.

These kids didn’t and, goaded along by their hapless teacher for the reward of extra credits, are unfortunate enough to walk into a sitting biohazard bomb. Led by Professor Mezrich, the earnest students are summoned to their doom as they’re surrounded by killers intent on preventing their escape. C’mon, there are easier ways to get better grades, well if you don’t have any dignity.

Pros are the passable production. There’s a handle on the editing and cameras, workable if albeit emotionless acting, and the little things, such as believable costumes, props and sets. The soundtrack is similar; missing muscle and expansion, hovering between the subtle and merely idle.

Among its negatives however, the worst is the really poor story development. There are so crushingly few moments of something happening, and it takes so long for those to happen. Once there’s a short and strange scene where a characters explores his hallucination, which is a rare directive touch; and midway in the watch this guy just ups and throws himself in a fucking furnace alive, holy shit.

The rest sadly is a cruel 90 minute test of watching indie producers being indie producers. And what is this crap about politics? If it’s serious, its eye-rolling attempt at dialogue on the dangers of military experimentation is pitifully primitive. Even Alex Jones has more entertaining and interesting garbage when he’s babbling his mindlessly irrelevant pseudoscience.

You know what this film needed? A writer. An artist, sleuth or driver who wasn’t afraid to take risks, make a statement, do their research, pump in some material, say or do anything other than spit out a copy & paste generic pulp plot. Someone put a health warning out on this piece of visual chloroform.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3017234/

So: how did you spend your time at college? Studying? Blackout shitfaced? Or constructing a transporter that sends you directly to the underworld? Accept my apologies if that last suggestion seems absurd; we all know it probably isn’t much less plausible than the first.

The students in this flick aren’t satisfied with mere hard partying though, and after experimenting with their newly invented teleportation device, they accidentally summon gigantic fiery rifts into a bizarre dimension which manage to capture their friends, leaving the unfortunate classmates fighting to survive against nightmarish monsters in a twisted labyrinth which defies space and time.

A normal sci-fi at least attempts an introduction. Or a believable plot. Here the formalities are strictly abandoned and it leaps right into the fray, living for the “woah” moments dotted around. These are certainly effective and most are refreshingly unexpected, yet such a bare minimum of story is a real limitation.

This leaves the visuals alone to deliver, and they’re not that bad, mostly. The landscapes and creatures perform from suitably deranged to uninspired and dull. Some are interesting, for instance the ax-wielding maniac with several faces, or the horrible parasite things; yet other areas of the film are left disappointingly featureless, including the surprisingly plain and empty sets, and the unconvincing makeup.

And this soundtrack! While the quality and range of sound is okay, its coordination and direction is so interfering. Do you really need to repeat thunderous strings and Battery 3 kicks every 5-10 minutes? The occasional aspect of silence would have also been very welcome in the interest of building atmosphere and suspense.

Overall this is a straight up braindead teen slasher with a few punches up its sleeve but nothing particularly memorable and couldn’t be more average if it tried. The cardboard script doesn’t exactly bring the best out of the inane acting, and the lack of serious gore is another minus. Still, a doable and generally edible example of TV trash.

4/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/they_found_hell