Category: 3/10

The US military is endlessly prone to blunders. Vietnam, Afghanistan, and in this dumbass teen b-movie, releasing a swarm of intelligent nanobots which transform crocodile and zoo attraction Stella into a lethal cybernetic predator upon hundreds of partying American teens: proving they can do something right for once.

But the air force believes otherwise, and enforces a lockdown on the attraction after declaring Robocroc to be contained by any cost necessary – despite its taste for human blood. Will they succeed? Will the animal keepers help? Does anyone really care at all?

Let’s cut to the chase and discuss the titular croc. The animation is… interesting. Well, it’s pretty fucking terrible, and there’s not much you can expect with this level of amateurism. Its form is blurred and unconvincing, the model noticeably warps out of shape or relevance to its surroundings, and the shaking camera makes it worse.

Luckily the acting is superior. The conflict and animosity between the and the zoo staff is a finer point. The two losers and their bullies are a satisfying and wasted dynamic. And the lady commander is impressive and striking – far more authorative than her spineless men.

The orchestral direction which the soundtrack takes isn’t a bad choice. Although it stinks of bravado and jingoism (as does the script), their quality and composition is okay, it’s a solid improvement from cheesy house music or whatever the composer feels like they turn around in 5 minutes in Ableton Live.

As should be clear at the very first sight, the loss is the poorly constructed robo-thing. Its semblance of a story and handful of props are better in comparison. It is so tough to look at and such a badly rendered monster for 2013; surely, somewhere, there could have been enhancements or ideas that would have dramatically improved its presence and delivery.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3188560/

Ugh. More cheap shocks & thrills in this thoughtless and poorly attempted low production yawner with a plot as appealing as a blocked toilet and a budget almost as small as its brain. Strap yourselves in and get ready for boredom with the dismal Altar.

After buying a house that they’ve never set foot in (exactly like the last review oddly), the Hamiltons are off to spruce up the place, make a new life for themselves, except it’s haunted by its previous occupants and everyone’s forgotten to buy ghost insurance. Don’t people research to see if their property is built on an ancient burial ground anymore?

It’s unreasonable to expect anything particularly artistic or innovative for a TV release, and still this is pretty poor stuff even for its league. The visual control feels so lopsided and unbalanced on screen, suggesting a lack of planning or coordination; and the shockers are preposterous, relying on aggressively jumbled editing, along with dull trumpets and screeching violins.

Performances are a gamble between workable and amateurish; Meg and Alec (Williams and Modine respectively) have their own strengths and talents as individuals, yet fail to meld convincingly as a team or work to a tempo together. This is the film’s most missed opportunity, as they’re clearly confident and comfortable as actors, yet appear as casting flaws all the same.

At rare times, there’s a few ideas toyed with – the painting on the moor scene for instance is unexpected, if somewhat left without expansion. The audio arrangement during the quieter moments isn’t terrible. And a couple of the jump scare parts are designed well enough to at least encourage a sense of discomfort.

And the badly composed framing really lets the show down, with the camera often working from weak and sloppy positions, and occasionally bizarre angles such as right behind props in front of the characters and completely interfering with the setting and the story. Sorry, but some films are left hidden.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt03484800/

Holy shit a film with Bill Paxton which stinks? Never thought it was possible. For those who relish Aliens and Predator 2, this is like discovering his own troubled rendition of Waterworld. Well at least it’s not as bad as the Postman. Costner must be an inspiration for anyone struggling in their career after that disaster.

Set in the future following a global cataclysm, renegade and general lowlife Matt captures an escaped convict running from the local cops hoping to cash in the reward money for himself. When the stranger’s pacifistic personality surfaces, along with an obsession with religion and the power to perform miracles, it’s soon clear he isn’t everything he seems.

The bombastic orchestra and vast scenery camera shots are some of the ways which show how badly this sci-fi fantasy adventure wants to have an epic, almost classical style of storytelling; this fits nicely with the desert and sky settings. The solemn lines and their dry delivery also decide the tone.

It’s shame it doesn’t have the balls. The wise-cracking dialogue is so corny that could sit on a plate of ribs. Paxton is even more eccentric than usual, whose comedy relief is awkward and irritating considering his role as a leader; his murderous antagonists are spinelessly serious and tedious in comparison, except for perhaps the mysterious prisoner (Hamill).

Luckily, the plotline isn’t a flying mess, and Slipstream’s story is thankfully pinned down quite fiercely with pegs of mandatory catastrophes and recoveries typical for any relative 80’s trash. The fighting scenes suffer from particularly poor coordination however, and unless you’ve watched this before or are prepared to play with your video slider for a while, they’re exposed to appear messy and incomprehensible.

And it’s just so fucking goofy. The actors aren’t to blame, but a stronger balance in the casting with a updated and modern direction would probably have saved this from becoming such a forgettable yarn. And the end: “I hope you find that place you’ve been dreaming about!” OK, stop, that’s enough already.

3/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slipstream_(1989_film)

Otherwise known as Alien Crawl, or the affectionately titled “Crawl Bitch Crawl”, Crawl or Die is an action film about crawling. In an underground industrial tunnel. And that’s it. If you’re a railway maintenance worker, air vent installation man, or a modern troglodyte, oh wow, you’re gonna just love this.

With the curious introduction that all human life has lost its fertility apart from a woman, the poor survivor herself is suddenly thrown into an underground complex which appears to consist entirely of small, dark and claustrophobic crawlspaces. Led by a team of overweight special forces personnel, they fight for their lives against a relentless and human-devouring beast.

Mostly fixated on “Tank” (Nicole Alonso), a blonde wearing a tank top, leather boots and a new haircut, this flick seems to despise the idea of dialogue or narrative and attempts to be a slow, long, endless action scene. It’s comparable as an entire story built out of the nail-biting part of Alien where Ripley is facing the alien with a flamethrower, except there’s no flamethrower or a great motivation to bite any nails.

Not much invites the viewer on this ride: the content of the script is minimal and content is slashed to the bone, consisting virtually of frightened or infuriated yelps and curses, and the shameless lack of tangible plot is further punctured with aimless and directionless ineptitude. The monster is a inferior rip-off too; and a really bad rendition as well, dependent on exceptionally choppy editing to appear convincing.

Its best work is perhaps in the lush gory lighting that spills across so many scenes which crudely paint a bloody and dismal picture upon the backdrop of gritty realism. The landscape of atmospheric ambiance and animal growls isn’t exactly terrible either, though it’s ruined by the pornographic amount of women simply panting and gasping.

Finally, there are admittedly a few points where the sense of isolation does become eerily effective, as the protagonist becomes hopelessly more lost and stranded; and to focus purely on the intense struggle and torment of one person is brave, if almost slightly sadistic. So this isn’t a complete disaster as such. Better described as a questionable experiment, where the single premise of someone being caught in a tunnel could have used a little room for improvement.

3/10

https://www.crawlordietrilogy.com/

It’s completely abandoned medical facility. In the middle of straight up nowhere. And there’s large keep out signs everywhere. Do you avoid it like the plague? Maybe sneak a quick peek, if you’re curious? Or… camp right in the center of it overnight? If you’ve made it to the age of an adult, you should have the answer to this one.

These kids didn’t and, goaded along by their hapless teacher for the reward of extra credits, are unfortunate enough to walk into a sitting biohazard bomb. Led by Professor Mezrich, the earnest students are summoned to their doom as they’re surrounded by killers intent on preventing their escape. C’mon, there are easier ways to get better grades, well if you don’t have any dignity.

Pros are the passable production. There’s a handle on the editing and cameras, workable if albeit emotionless acting, and the little things, such as believable costumes, props and sets. The soundtrack is similar; missing muscle and expansion, hovering between the subtle and merely idle.

Among its negatives however, the worst is the really poor story development. There are so crushingly few moments of something happening, and it takes so long for those to happen. Once there’s a short and strange scene where a characters explores his hallucination, which is a rare directive touch; and midway in the watch this guy just ups and throws himself in a fucking furnace alive, holy shit.

The rest sadly is a cruel 90 minute test of watching indie producers being indie producers. And what is this crap about politics? If it’s serious, its eye-rolling attempt at dialogue on the dangers of military experimentation is pitifully primitive. Even Alex Jones has more entertaining and interesting garbage when he’s babbling his mindlessly irrelevant pseudoscience.

You know what this film needed? A writer. An artist, sleuth or driver who wasn’t afraid to take risks, make a statement, do their research, pump in some material, say or do anything other than spit out a copy & paste generic pulp plot. Someone put a health warning out on this piece of visual chloroform.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3017234/

Even though his quality isn’t what it used to be, Stephen King has put out some pretty mean material over the years. Probably the best to this reviewer is either the Tommyknockers or the Shining; coming up second would be Pet Semetary, and Thinner, Kujo, the Stand, and Nightmares & Dreamscapes – excellent reads.

Where is Dreamcatcher on this list? Sadly, somewhere near the bottom. Although clearly ambitious and with plenty of driving ideas, its erratic structure and jittery composition totally outweigh its imagination. And without a Stanley Kubrick to work any magic, its movie adaption only leads to worse.

Four childhood buddies on vacation become overwhelmed by lethal space invaders who seek to spread themselves as an infection upon the face of the earth. Using people as hosts, they attempt to break out of their quarantined zone imposed by the US military and crush humanity as we know it.

The first 30 minutes is a depressingly muddled introduction. These friends are immediately revealed to have telepathic powers, earned by a moment of courage as children. As adults, they’ve also racked up a plethora of personal problems, which unfortunately must now include dealing with sadistic mind-controlling aliens.

While the production is generally okay – with doable CGI, and perhaps the lighting and direction being too homely and warm for a convincing horror – the script is so filled with eye-rolling one-liners that a viewer is liable to cringe whenever someone talks longer than 4 or 5 seconds. Being over two hours, it’s a crushing level of difficulty to tolerate. And no, flatulence isn’t scary either.

Not everything is terrible. Morgan Freeman is a worthy antagonist. The helicopter slaughter part is a thoroughly watchable scene. The ruthless cruelty of the grays is both mysterious and surprising too; their use as such savagely bloodthirsty beings is tentatively unique, in dark contrast to their usual representation of things as harbingers of peace, technology and wonder.

Finally, if there’s something the director couldn’t have accomplished better, it’s capturing how desperately confused about what Dreamcatcher ever wanted to be. Because there isn’t one premise – there’s several. Telepathy, invasion, childhood, war, suicide, split personalities etc. competing for the top importance in the same territory, leaving little room for authenticity or space to breathe.

Then mashing all these paranormal themes to leave them festering in a chamber of testosterone pumped action dialogue simply feels so out of place. As a movie? Bleh. And it’s always left me wondering if this was a bunch of drafts or brainstorms than a truly completed novel, where all were pursued, yet none of them finished satisfactorily in the end.

3/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreamcatcher_(2003_film)

A year and a half for manslaughter?? You can’t be serious. If you’re going to convict someone, at least give them some real time. Even if they were hardly to blame in the first place but couldn’t prove it. Should have bought a GoPro, like all those insufferable cyclists.

Such is the case in this Australian prison thriller where decorated war veteran Ray is thrown behind bars after defending himself from a pair of thugs. Unfortunately for them, they’ve killed a relative to someone quite wealthy, and when a suitcase of money changes hands, Ray finds their life becoming hell.

Crime tripe isn’t too bad – there’s a good audience for it with thankfully endless cheesy documentaries available on youtube. Even the worst of them give you a sense of the oppressive atmosphere and crushing reality of incarceration, and everyone loves snarling criminals being led away to meet their doomed fate.

Convict, however, is incredibly dull and uninspired. Its pitiful script is tedious and unimpressive, hardly improved with its boring characters and profanity-laced lines; not to mention the eye-rolling fight scenes. The good digital film is also wasted on surprisingly poor camera coordination and a sparingly thin soundtrack.

Then there’s the male rape scene. Now let’s be frank here and honest here. If it was a woman, this film would be banned. Because it happens to a man? It’s okay. You know what, that is some straight up bullshit. Yet the flick is so crammed with tasteless big-dick authortarian masculinity it may be the case that the writers simply just don’t know better. Or don’t know how to write, period.

The aim of stimulating a sense of drama doesn’t mix with the raw realism produced, and it’s never clear which path the trash intends to take. Not to mention most of the actors suck ass. One to miss. Back to youtube land with those idiot criminals and husky narrators.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2893780/

There’s a huge craze that happened a few years back and is still more or less kicking around with retrofuturism/digitalism under the generally agreed name of Vaporware. This is the redevelopment of material in the 80s and 90s age and it’s pretty amazing. Consumer demands are biting into the taste of nostalgia and the old with constant rehashings and reboots of existing content.

Sadly, they forgot to tell everyone that not everything that came out of those times was great. Orpheus and his shreddin’ pals venture into the land of the dead, and unlike the Greek tragedy, Shredder Orpheus is mediocre in nearly every way, holding little charm or talent, turning out to be a blast from the past as welcome as warm flatulence against your face.

What is so annoying about this trash was the difficulty in keeping up to date with what is really going on. It’s clear that they’re skateboarders. It’s apparent that they’re in the underground “gray zone”. Then there’s the existence of the cathode ray and what appears to be the skulking undead or something. That might not be right either. Fuck it, whatever, it’s plain stupid.

The cheap production is somewhat exploited for good, taking advantage of the enthusiast acting and supernatural influences, doing what it can without expensive SFX to create a surreal atmosphere; however, it’s wasted on shabby camera setups and coordination. This is so directed towards the young kids of the era. You can almost hear the ghosts of teenagers wearing backwards caps and whispering “awesome” “radical!” and with lines such as “Do us all a favor, take a blow!” Uh… what are you actually proposing there, buddy?

A certain aspect is the heavily driving force of contemporary music, not only incorporating various elements of rock, industrial and electro, but arranging its guitar, bass, synth and percussion with skill. In the period of Metallica and Michael Jackson, it shows you how powerful the influence of pop and rock & roll was; it’s not surprising when a musical instrument is portrayed as even magical (as per the poster image).

Yet its incomprehensible story is despairingly tedious and loathsomely irritating, and the weakly arranged characters feel so paper-thin, distant and artificial. Again: not everything from the 90’s is worth rebooting. Some of it is good, most of it normal, and some of it, well, it just aged like shit.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246231/

Strange happenings are happening in the quiet town of San Marco. Celebrated thriller writer Akahori finds herself there after running there to get away from her fame and starts becoming well known by elements she’d rather not like; while rural police guy stumbles across a deadly plot involving ruthless gangsters. Ultimately their paths intersect in a twisted tale of murder.

Certainly the boldest direction Man From Reno takes is its odd Western/Japanese fusion, vaguely mixing impressions of Asian and American cinema. Crime thrillers from the USA are common as muck, so are the ones from Japan; but perhaps the attempt to combine the psychology and skill of both is not. This presents an interesting introduction where two narratives are talking almost at once.

So it’s a surprise when the story turns out to be so 2-dimensional. Although powered with roughly enough ideas to keep itself afloat upon the nearly 2-hour journey, it only travels thinly between the land of the suspenseful and as dull as cardboard due to the disappearance of any energy in the drama, complexity in its mystery or offering of action to back it up.

Fujitani (Akahori) isn’t overwhelming either. Occasionally they’re somewhat impressive, with their attempts at resilience falling short, tending to trickle into a trembling defiance than awesome fearlessness; though this may be a factor lost in the translation of combing such different cultures, or maybe a side effect of my shitty reviewing skills.

Little can be said about the production other than that Man From Reno plays it very safe. This is hardly crushing all-out horror, yet each time the writing feels too close to danger, it rapidly shirks in fear into to scenes where people are again drinking coffee and reading newspapers in warm and cosy environments. The actors’ opportunity to deliver themselves feel caged and cut down – even their lines seem minimal.

Then there’s the soft and squeezy soundtrack. Enjoyable at times, its humdrum meandering is nothing that thunderously strikes the ground, which is another shame as this was a real chance to embolden and enliven the atmosphere. Well, that’s pretty all you’re gonna get. At least there’s a good hand-crushing moment – if you haven’t expired of boredom by the time you reach it.

3/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_from_Reno_(film)

When you’ve watched shock video, gore porn, and general murder, death and destruction on the internet, you finally get to a point where you swear to yourself: always look both ways as you cross the road. Even if all vehicles have stopped. Even if the pedestrian signal is green. Even if you’re in the middle of nowhere with nothing in sight. Sounds crazy, but after enough Liveleak videos, you’ll understand.

Dana Milgrom (Shauna Macdonald) didn’t get the memo. Surviving a deadly hit and run, they wake up to find themselves terribly injured and confined to a hospital bed, breathing apparatus, and a catheter. Her concussion is so severe that her speech is impaired. The unfortunate patient has no time for recovery though, as a malicious ghoul haunts her room, threatening to invade her sanity.

The beginning is legitimately shocking and unexpected. And it’s a shame, because the rest is disappointing, plain and poor, descending into the quality of soap TV with a mirage of crime drama. The flick is dull, unambitious and uninfluenced, with the content drying up so soon and so badly that it thwarts any honest attempt to be taken seriously.

The production is workable enough. The makeup is alright, and it may not be exactly scientifically precise. To be fair, her injury looks like a burn than a skull fracture, yet its display of pain and damage is a good choice. The soundtrack is mediocre and edited by an idiot. The acting is fine, standard and professional, with Macdonald doing a pretty decent job of their haplessly frail lead actor who strives to reach survivalism and persistence.

It’s not the delivery of the material that’s the problem however – it’s the confounding lack of it. For instance, there’s substance that could have been employed or invented with the decision of expanding the investigation into Milgrom’s hallucinations. Or creating a stronger plotline for the antagonist. Midway through the lead character is sitting there googling for ideas in the middle of the film.

Despite the drab initiation, and overall crappy performance, things begin to develop later. There’s a few points which grab interest, especially the cleaner’s end being a strong example. Perhaps more sinister is the insistence on CCTV as a narrative factor. Why is a secondary style of footage required? If the reason is to gain authority, why can’t that sense be achieved in the original visual conditions? And how do you jail a ghost? Simple! You tell them they’re in for life! (Fucking hell)

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4695098/