Author: Ritual

Some men have dreams. They want to be a doctor. They want to be a scientist. They want to be President. My dream is just as large, maybe further beyond – resolve myself to review every one of these stupid fucking films in the ridiculous series that is Sharknado.

Initiating with an expectable premise, party-loving teens are on the beach and minding their own business when suddenly they are torn into pieces by a living wall of deranged sharks. And when combined with the power of hurricane, they turn into a force of sheer destruction, chewing on everything that owns a head and a pair of arms.

What is most appreciable is that the story moves at an agreeable pace. Rather than waste time with suspense or attempt to weave a tapestry of tediously incompetent dialogue, Sharknado delivers a relievingly predictable round of cheap and entertaining nonsense. Discussion parts are rewardingly short with bursts of thriller moments usually around the corner to keep the interest active.

Credit is also due for the special effects. Buildings are mangled, waves crash, creatures writhe and limbs are expectantly amputated with a fair sense of computer ability. Good audio arrangement and extra coordination help to build a somewhat believable atmosphere.

It’s let down quite badly by the amateurish and sloppy actors. They’re dull, inexperienced and uncomfortable; even for a crappy disaster flick which never had a great deal of ambition or seriousness in the first place, there might have been a little more effort or talent available instead of these plastic recruits.

So without convincing material in the way of characters or anything especially appealing, its routine of diving into bottomless pits of farcical and repetitive survival idiocy is hard to put up with, though it’s kind of saved by the generally tolerable action scenes. Well, that’s about it. Hopefully the next few of these won’t be too much worse.

4/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2724064/

Even though his quality isn’t what it used to be, Stephen King has put out some pretty mean material over the years. Probably the best to this reviewer is either the Tommyknockers or the Shining; coming up second would be Pet Semetary, and Thinner, Kujo, the Stand, and Nightmares & Dreamscapes – excellent reads.

Where is Dreamcatcher on this list? Sadly, somewhere near the bottom. Although clearly ambitious and with plenty of driving ideas, its erratic structure and jittery composition totally outweigh its imagination. And without a Stanley Kubrick to work any magic, its movie adaption only leads to worse.

Four childhood buddies on vacation become overwhelmed by lethal space invaders who seek to spread themselves as an infection upon the face of the earth. Using people as hosts, they attempt to break out of their quarantined zone imposed by the US military and crush humanity as we know it.

The first 30 minutes is a depressingly muddled introduction. These friends are immediately revealed to have telepathic powers, earned by a moment of courage as children. As adults, they’ve also racked up a plethora of personal problems, which unfortunately must now include dealing with sadistic mind-controlling aliens.

While the production is generally okay – with doable CGI, and perhaps the lighting and direction being too homely and warm for a convincing horror – the script is so filled with eye-rolling one-liners that a viewer is liable to cringe whenever someone talks longer than 4 or 5 seconds. Being over two hours, it’s a crushing level of difficulty to tolerate. And no, flatulence isn’t scary either.

Not everything is terrible. Morgan Freeman is a worthy antagonist. The helicopter slaughter part is a thoroughly watchable scene. The ruthless cruelty of the grays is both mysterious and surprising too; their use as such savagely bloodthirsty beings is tentatively unique, in dark contrast to their usual representation of things as harbingers of peace, technology and wonder.

Finally, if there’s something the director couldn’t have accomplished better, it’s capturing how desperately confused about what Dreamcatcher ever wanted to be. Because there isn’t one premise – there’s several. Telepathy, invasion, childhood, war, suicide, split personalities etc. competing for the top importance in the same territory, leaving little room for authenticity or space to breathe.

Then mashing all these paranormal themes to leave them festering in a chamber of testosterone pumped action dialogue simply feels so out of place. As a movie? Bleh. And it’s always left me wondering if this was a bunch of drafts or brainstorms than a truly completed novel, where all were pursued, yet none of them finished satisfactorily in the end.

3/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreamcatcher_(2003_film)

Sometimes there’s just a piece of trash you like. Dunno why, but to me, Day of Reckoning seems to stand out as kind of a gem. And the term “gem” is used loosely, to include the fake polished plastic ones that teenagers wear which come out of factories somewhere you’ve never heard of and melt in disappointingly low summer temperatures.

Following a terrible home invasion, John (Scott Adkins) awakes from his crowbar-induced coma and launches upon a path of bloodshed to avenge the loss of his wife and child. It’s not that simple however, as he slowly unravels a black network of fear, corruption, and murder, ultimately revealing a hateful design of madness, retribution, and worst of all: revolution.

There’s some pounding action scenes here – nobody’s cranium is safe. The tradesman (Andrei Arlovski) does a fantastic job as a lethal human punchbag. When the fights begin, they’re satisfying as shit, with various interesting ideas (as well as actors) thrown about everywhere. There’s actually a functional script which plods along as well, at least with the grating rhythm of a pulp novel.

Moreover is the sleek and smooth direction. Unlike most fight flicks, composition and balance are treated with surprising grace and fairness. Care is made to explore the passage of time, slowing and fast forwarding as required to reach a maximum impact. And it’s also told as a personal crisis as well as a vision of political terror and upheaval, balancing the two out not so badly.

My nitpicks are that Adkins is so out of place. As a fighter, he’s more than capable, yet his lacking acting performance (and unbelievable British accent) feels somewhat miscasted. Van Damme hardly gets the airtime he deserves, and the suspense generated between each scene is unnecessarily long-winded and tiresome, with the gently brooding soundtrack failing to solve the film’s questionable stretch across thriller, crime and martial arts.

Even if you’re a horror buff or whatnot, this is worth a view nonetheless. The oppressive atmosphere, refreshingly linear plotline and furious wholesale destruction deserve a single watch. It might not exactly be the greatest detective mystery in the world, but you don’t have to be if half of the story is punching someone in the face.

6/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1659343/

The change of views to what’s considered acceptable in cinema is incredible. 30, 10, even 5 years ago, what was extreme then, is normal now. When August Underground was released, especially the second installment Mordum, it was panned for its disgusting and revolting nature. Nowadays it would be equally lambasted – for being boring.

Let’s re-invent our media. Headless is a retrospective flick set in the 70’s chronicling a cruel and demented killer carving out a bloodthirsty life of torture, mutilation and rape upon the weak and defenseless, while stalked by a peculiar hallucination. It’s horrible, sickening, depraving, and you’re here to enjoy it all.

Launching with an wild and brutal intro, the story then deviates into the meanderings of an unnamed psychopath who goes on to soak himself in the blood of drifters and outcasts, tear them into pieces, and fuck their skulls. This seems to be the only way they can feel any intimacy or get off thanks to their upbringing of crushing abuse.

Generally the production is okay; The murder and execution (literally: execution) of characters is satisfying. Gore is thrown by the bucket, throats are cut like they had zippers already there, and limbs are crushed or severed with the ease of breaking lego. It’s fun and exciting to see a shocker that doesn’t give a shit about anything or take so much seriously.

The acting is sub par at best. With no real leaders or personalities, it’s amateurish as shit. More points are lost for its drab narrative which suffers from a lack of intelligence and a dependence on plastic stereotypes which destroy every kind of suspense. The poor props are handled okay yet will often make for a laborious than torturous watch.

And despite the innovative direction, nothing really beats the fact that a tripod could have been used sometimes. It wouldn’t be a stretch to control the image on occasions. This isn’t an easy thing for trash makers to accept; how do you convince this to a crew that want to film someone spooning out of eyeballs and eating them? When you put it that way…

5/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3922350/

According to the ancient proverb, breaking a mirror equals several years’ bad luck. My question is: does this accumulate interest? And will it affect my pension? Coming up next on the Dave Ramsey show.

Oculus is an intriguing thriller concerning a peculiar object: a single, innocent, ornate pane of glass. Siblings Kayleigh and Tim threaten to believe otherwise, and after suffering what appears to be a terrible loss, they set out hatching a plan to annihilate its evil once and for all.

It’s not going to be easy. The story weaves inside desperation and paranoia, sliding unreliably through the past and the present, and ruminates upon choices, fate, and family, leaving the truth of the matter a mystery, stranding the reality of the characters between the supernatural and psychological.

Gillan (Kayleigh) is certainly the star. Her deep voice, crude elegance and wild intelligence make for a great watch. The smooth cameras, gentle music and cool visuals capture her excellently, and pretty much every performance is enhanced by the superior sound design.

The lack of sets or visual ideas are a negative. The stupid jumpscares are definitely a miss, which immediately ruin what apparently sought out to be a clever drama. There are moments though, such as the juxtaposition of the apple and lightbulb scene which are alright.

And the ending is atrocious as well. It’s quite surprising considering the general competence of the flick up to this point, its rough engineering of storyline and the possibility of expansion to the capabilities of the central antagonist. And then this shit. Well, it’s shit.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oculus_(film)

5/10

The state has no place interfering with the lives of its citizens. Taxes? NO! Abortion? NO! Twisted abominations that reproduce endlessly, feed on human beings and kill without discrimination? Hmmmm…. now you got my interest.

A strange and deadly organism spells the eradication of all life as we know it in this tight budget sci-fi thriller. A rogue scientist has unwittingly threatened the end of the world and a team of innocent teen paintgunners are left not merely to survive against the terrible mutation, but government guns hired to leave no witnesses alive.

One thing that intensely lets this flick down is the bad acting. It doesn’t necessarily fail when it needs to step up, and eventually becomes bareable if not comedic; however nothing especially shines, as everyone displays a very amateurish and talentlessness which really shows.

This is made up for the somewhat surprisingly decent writing and ambitiously supernatural themes, making for a fair amount of action, chaos and activity. There’s enough to keep the viewer involved with the survival horror scenes, dramatic twists, science fiction influence, and the… agreeable female protagonist.

The makeup and SFX aren’t great. Yet they do their job, and it’s not the quality which is at fault; it’s the visual coordination. It’s so sloppy, cheap and undeveloped. While the script is alright, there’s not a relative engagement in balance focus. And the cackhanded sound production is also grating, particularly the repetitive reverse crash.

Additional mayhem, carnage, bloodlust and destruction would have been relieving. And with the props, it seemed as if for moments: was something held back by poor imagination or was there a restrictive authority somewhere? Either way it just needed more gore and more tits.

4/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0835419/

Many years in the future, the world’s oceans have become industrially contaminated and drinkable fresh water is in short supply. Leave it to these courageous cosmonauts to travel to a Jupiterian satellite and try to fetch some out of the ground. Well, aren’t they going to feel stupid then after someone eventually tells them there’s a hundred million tonnes already on the moon.

That’s the least of their issues when, upon their return, a great cataclysm has wrecked the planet. Politics has moved too fast; they were unable to save the earth in time, finding that nuclear war has obliterated all life. Is there any hope left for this team of survivors as they float meaninglessly in the void of space? No, this isn’t a spoiler, everything’s in the trailer.

So begins the saga (translation: sheer boredom) of Paradox Alice. Initially its cheap budget production isn’t too bad, with workable lighting direction and props, and a good start along with generally doable camera coordination are tentatively promising. The cast is alright, and the handful of characters clash and breathe together, displaying a relatively effective independence, even if they don’t boil down to much.

Its continued and repeated relays into excruciatingly tiresome narrative and incompetent plot are simply heartbreaking to tolerate however. The tropes and silly lines endlessly roll on, things just drag on and on to the point where the viewer is wondering how can something be so stretched out and laborious to watch. The whole story is virtually two hours long and there’s nowhere near enough ideas to sustain its viewing.

Definitely the most action and excitement it has to offer is the bewildering and eye-popping scene a third of the way where a man spontaneously undertakes a painful transformation into a woman for no apparent reason. This part is genuinely unsettling and it’s a shame to give the trash such a dire score, yet the ridiculousness it catapults itself into for the next 75 minutes is too unbearable.

Whatever its expressions about gender truly are, they could certainly have received a greater and more thorough expansion, for its messages and influences to be fleshed out, and above all to have hired a professional to edit this flick – ruthlessly. In its current state, the repetition is unforgivable, as there was no need for it to last beyond quarter an hour, half of one at the ultimate maximum. Garbage.

2/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/paradox_alice

A year and a half for manslaughter?? You can’t be serious. If you’re going to convict someone, at least give them some real time. Even if they were hardly to blame in the first place but couldn’t prove it. Should have bought a GoPro, like all those insufferable cyclists.

Such is the case in this Australian prison thriller where decorated war veteran Ray is thrown behind bars after defending himself from a pair of thugs. Unfortunately for them, they’ve killed a relative to someone quite wealthy, and when a suitcase of money changes hands, Ray finds their life becoming hell.

Crime tripe isn’t too bad – there’s a good audience for it with thankfully endless cheesy documentaries available on youtube. Even the worst of them give you a sense of the oppressive atmosphere and crushing reality of incarceration, and everyone loves snarling criminals being led away to meet their doomed fate.

Convict, however, is incredibly dull and uninspired. Its pitiful script is tedious and unimpressive, hardly improved with its boring characters and profanity-laced lines; not to mention the eye-rolling fight scenes. The good digital film is also wasted on surprisingly poor camera coordination and a sparingly thin soundtrack.

Then there’s the male rape scene. Now let’s be frank here and honest here. If it was a woman, this film would be banned. Because it happens to a man? It’s okay. You know what, that is some straight up bullshit. Yet the flick is so crammed with tasteless big-dick authortarian masculinity it may be the case that the writers simply just don’t know better. Or don’t know how to write, period.

The aim of stimulating a sense of drama doesn’t mix with the raw realism produced, and it’s never clear which path the trash intends to take. Not to mention most of the actors suck ass. One to miss. Back to youtube land with those idiot criminals and husky narrators.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2893780/

Kids: who wants them? Not for me thanks. They’re loud, irritating, expensive, and potentially the spawn of Satan themselves. Do you really want a child that can conjure up flame in a second like Stephen King’s Firestarter? Actually come to think of it, that would be kind of cool.

Such is the case in Case 39 when a social worker stumbles upon the supernatural in this twisted thriller, which is mostly average, yet unsettling and well-produced enough for at least half a view. It’s not great, and suffers from from poor story structuring, but it isn’t that bad either.

Zellweger stars as a hip young breezy urbanite who effortlessly crawls the modern world (again) until their job lands them in hot water. After saving what seems as if they are an abused child, and condemning their supposed terrible caretakers to an asylum, they’re soon searching for their own sanity.

The chilled lighting and strong camera configuratrion are instant wins. The lower class environments have a peculiar amount of money pumped into them, yet they’re convincing. Zellweger doesn’t feel exactly right for the part at first; they somehow came across as loose and sleazy, though they eventually pull through with their delivery.

Fortunately, she’s not all the flick has to offer, with the evil bits which sit in the fat of the film. The sequence in the bathroom and the hornets is extremely uncomfortable and especially well directed. And there’s one area where the parents are trying to cook their child alive in an oven. Holy fuck!

The bad guy (guy?) is not overwhelming sadly, and by the end, everything has descended into an eventual farce of action and explosions which is pretty disappointing. But the professional coordination and set equipment make for a superior watch to your everyday trash. It’s just Renee. Stop talking already and put my dick in your mouth.

4/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/case_39

Don’t you just hate the lucky high-functioning types? Healthy, young, fit and educated, with a warm family, a close circle of friends and even an office at work where they can hang up their degree. Then they turn out to have a serious chance of early Alzheimer’s. Ha! Take that and smoke it, fucker.

Such is the case for doctor and researcher Taylor Briggs who unwittingly stumbles across a psychoactive substance which appears to transfer the power of memory itself. Starring two actors you’ve never heard of and Dennis Hopper (best known as Frank “I’ll fuck anything that moves” Booth), the medical practioner falls into a wild conspiracy of murder, kidnapping and torture.

Mostly an inferior a crime thriller with little in the way of excitement or terror, Memory plods along at least at a fairly appreciative pace, tempting the viewer with somewhat workable if perhaps primative servings of secrets, and solving them in a generally standard and predictable way even though they weren’t particularly interesting in the first place.

The well crafted production is also a double-edged sword. With its firmly controlled lighting and meticulous set design, scenes are usually a little too inviting and friendly for their own good – even the nasty parts. This is okay for the thriller zone, not so much for horror, and neither for thrils. The smiles and winks while characters ruminate on comfy sofas as slow guitar plays; it’s all so damn comfortable.

What captures your interest almost immediately however are the surreal twists that the doctor encounters. Initially seeming to be tears in the fabric of reality, they later prove to be clues unto a wider mystery. Although their resolution is hardly captivating, their execution is rather surprising and definitely the highlights of the flick.

4/10