Category: 2/10

Many years in the future, the world’s oceans have become industrially contaminated and drinkable fresh water is in short supply. Leave it to these courageous cosmonauts to travel to a Jupiterian satellite and try to fetch some out of the ground. Well, aren’t they going to feel stupid then after someone eventually tells them there’s a hundred million tonnes already on the moon.

That’s the least of their issues when, upon their return, a great cataclysm has wrecked the planet. Politics has moved too fast; they were unable to save the earth in time, finding that nuclear war has obliterated all life. Is there any hope left for this team of survivors as they float meaninglessly in the void of space? No, this isn’t a spoiler, everything’s in the trailer.

So begins the saga (translation: sheer boredom) of Paradox Alice. Initially its cheap budget production isn’t too bad, with workable lighting direction and props, and a good start along with generally doable camera coordination are tentatively promising. The cast is alright, and the handful of characters clash and breathe together, displaying a relatively effective independence, even if they don’t boil down to much.

Its continued and repeated relays into excruciatingly tiresome narrative and incompetent plot are simply heartbreaking to tolerate however. The tropes and silly lines endlessly roll on, things just drag on and on to the point where the viewer is wondering how can something be so stretched out and laborious to watch. The whole story is virtually two hours long and there’s nowhere near enough ideas to sustain its viewing.

Definitely the most action and excitement it has to offer is the bewildering and eye-popping scene a third of the way where a man spontaneously undertakes a painful transformation into a woman for no apparent reason. This part is genuinely unsettling and it’s a shame to give the trash such a dire score, yet the ridiculousness it catapults itself into for the next 75 minutes is too unbearable.

Whatever its expressions about gender truly are, they could certainly have received a greater and more thorough expansion, for its messages and influences to be fleshed out, and above all to have hired a professional to edit this flick – ruthlessly. In its current state, the repetition is unforgivable, as there was no need for it to last beyond quarter an hour, half of one at the ultimate maximum. Garbage.

2/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/paradox_alice

Have you ever found yourself in a tough situation on a night out? Maybe done too many shots and ended up in some place weird? Did you trust the wrong kind of people? Did you mistakenly visit that unsavory part of town without knowing? Or were you only innocently trying to buy drugs? We’ve all been there, so don’t worry.

These kids need to however. During an evening of partying, a bunch of friends get on the bad side of their fellow revelers and make attempts to escape by running into an abandoned facility which runs underneath the ground. Their problems are barely beginning as they discover scientific abominations deadlier than their human attackers.

This dumbass slasher is certainly influenced by, or is at least in admiration of the culture of the military; not unlike Aliens, where the participants in the terror are only soldiers to display the strength of the antagonists. Yet its theme is automatically wasted on bravado posturing and showing off with little extra substance other than a tiresome backstory and the mad scientist trope.

The production is relatively alright; the actors are pretty lousy unfortunately, and the scenes suffer from lacking coordination, sloppy cameras and an insistence on thick, crude lighting which appears thoroughly primative. The soundtrack is cool, featuring multiple instruments and styles, but its involvement is too jubilant and overexcited.

Underground suffers more from is piss poor attempt at the evil guys or whatever the hell they are. The makeup and costumes are okay, the special effects are passable, they’re just so superficial and unbelievable as anything threatening. Really? Backflipping zombies? Are you serious – who wrote this fucking thing?

It’s a fairly loathsome experiment at survival horror and its constant appeals to authority don’t swing either. Perhaps the idea of the whole flick is for teens or young adults with their eyes set on a life within the navy, the air force, or something similar. Whichever career path they take, it’s obvious that none of these guys care about making decent films.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1811371/

Okay… this is bad. Really quite bad. You knew this was gonna be bad, but not that bad. And you’re not going to get anything out of this one even if you’re a horror enthusiast. You’re not a horror enthusiast? What the hell are you doing here anyway.

Launching with an action-packed introduction, featuring an insane masked villain with a suitably deranged mask and some low budget combat action, you’re in for even lower budget non-combat action as the tale focuses on a pitifully bland story about a young woman in the woods stalked by an evil killer. It goes nowhere, and patience wears thin fast.

While there’s some workable competence within the framework of generic filmmaking, such as lighting, framing and settings, it’s tough to find anything truly likable or positive due to the emptiness of substance or ability. Even the amateur attempts just seem novice. And the trashy t&a doesn’t work either, clashing with its own brainlessness.

For something designed to be cheap entertainment, this was really irritating and tough to sit through, with such foul ability to direct or coordinate a flick that it just ended up in raw distate. Get the fuck out of here! Seriously, fuck this shit. Fuck this ridiculous stupid no-brain fuckin’ shit!

2/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Playing_with_Dolls

Settling into a new house isn’t easy: especially when it’s run by an unscrupulous landlord, inhabited by the undead, and set simultaneously in the UK and USA without a reliable point of reference in this trashy and boring horror wannabe, otherwise released and known as The Haunting of Annie Dyer.

The titular character finds that not long from moving in her apartment, something supernatural is trying to personally move into them – and they don’t want to pay rent. After seeing enough strange things happen, Dyer hires a paranormal detective to find out what the balls is going on, and the two team up together to try and discover the reason for the mysterious ghostly shenanigans at large.

Following the lengthy and uninteresting introduction, it’s apparent that not a single crew of the cast can display a convincing impression. Even the lead is painfully thin of personality or talent. The landlord actor probably is the most memorable with a hammy and humorous show of a stereotypical sleazy and clandestine scumbag, who admittedly puts some energy into the show, but that’s the best it can offer.

Worse still is the student-level ability of direction. In fact scratch that, it’s insulting to students. The special effects appear as if they’re presets which come out of the box with the editing suite. The framing composition is awkward and lopsided. Lines are dubbed with a robotic sense of emotion. And why is a residential flat furnished with a business style table and chairs?

Its cheesy and upbeat soundtrack is also strikingly unbalanced and out of place, interfering with the mood of mystery and tension which the flick is presumably attempting to create; though the dark ambient tracks aren’t so terrible, the eclectic use of everything from flutes and blaring trumpets to industrial kicks and breakdowns feels more like an act of showing off, instead of concentrating on the design and environmental presentation.

While this is total trash, one forgiving aspect (aside from the sleazeball property owner) is a moment of quality. As the poor tormented woman is being harassed out of her mind by evil and wicked forces, the cupboards start laughing in the midst of the terror. From all the blunders, this level of slapstick incompetence was legitimately hysterical, and must qualify somewhere for a so-bad-it’s-good scene. What about the rest? Just plain old bad.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4187786/

Oh GOD this is boring. Don’t know why exactly, but this one rubs me up the wrong way for some reason. What a pile of crappy, old, repetitive, unintelligent overplayed stupid dogshit. This really feels so inert, moronic and self-absorbed, and there’s just no charm to it. And how long do you really want to watch a bunch of kids run around in a cornfield?

Husk is roughly about a barn with a terrible past set somewhere in flyover state America and several teens/young adults who’ve been condemned to die in it. Or next to it. Who cares, it’s an ultimately sad and uninspired attempt at slash horror which requires a vast amount of tolerance to see through if you’re brave enough to be trapped in its hour and 20 minute snooze.

First thing you notice is the raven. Clearly they used a professional trainer to coordinate the bird, and it’s a nice touch. Animals are fantastic for the use of symbolism and their powerful natural presentation, and Husk briefly but wisely takes advantage in that area; birds are especially graceful and wondrous creatures which can easily transform a scene and a film by their mere presence alone.

There’s even a fairly workable quality of gore and violence. For horror viewing, it’s always a welcome addition. The soundtrack is okay, if perhaps more designed towards action than terror. The actors are mediocre – their skill is averagely alright, nothing great, not bad, probably even slightly superior in terms of trash.

The problem is with the lack of investment encouraged in the characters. Empty of anything appealing or human, they’re portrayed as not much beyond fresh meat to be chopped up and served accordingly. While there’s an interesting take on travel between realities, there’s this insistence on pretentious morals which forms the core, and though it may be worthwhile to some, the freethinking type is going to be quickly disappointed, and find their patience dwindling, deteriorating, and disappearing by the 15 minute mark alone.

2/10

htps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Husk_(film)

No. Stop it. Vibrant country music and survival horror does not mix. Directors and filmmakers, please, don’t do this. If you want to appeal to hillbillies and rednecks, try to keep it based in rural locations and put in terrible techno songs or something, just don’t make it THAT kind of ordeal.

Deadfall Trail is the incredibly inane story of three self-absorbed morons on a challenging mountain hike designed for experts, hardened and experienced adventurers. Consisting of John, Julian and Paul, their goal is to weather the elements in a barren place and persist until the end in a cruel test of stamina. How ironic: this is also the difficulty presented for the viewer.

Virtually immediately, their ridiculously bombastic personalities clash violently, producing a display similar to what you’d see on National Geographic, when animals such as apes or wild dogs lash at each other in a mode of primal competition. No-one seems enthusiastic about intelligence, rationality or planning; their narcissism is only matched by their apparent brainlessness.

The wonderful scenery is marred by the incredible banality, a cheesy script and under average acting. They certainly could work potentially well as secondary characters, with a tougher counterpart to guide them, but by themselves, they don’t generate the humanity to achieve convincing leads. For a tiny cast of a trio, it becomes unbearable, especially with the awful lines they are ordered to deliver.

For a film that plants its flag upon the trial of surviving in the open, the emptiness of exploration or knowledge portrayed is another missed chance. Survivalists are obsessed with technique, creativity, and raw ability in nature. The most advanced thing you’ll get here are simple campfires. Well they attempt a trap for an animal but that fucks up pretty quick and very disastrously. What pros!

What’s worse is the cluttered and over-excitable sound design. The insistence of crickets and birds is initially enveloping, then quickly gets irritating. Though the arrangement is obviously there to encourage an atmosphere, there’s points where the use of silence would have been a stronger choice in order to allow visuals themselves to speak. Then there’s the banjo tracks, and that’s a point we’ve already discussed in every detail it matters.

A brief show of skill is revealed at the approximate mark of 40:00, which is not officially explained, but presumably is the experience of a terrifying psychotic episode brought on by extended isolation. The character appears to be covered in blood, perpetually drowning and fighting in a pool. The aggressive and unpredictable editing is surprisingly striking, leading to a feeling of unreality and disembodiment, and its style is sadly never repeated.

Although the wilderness it portrays is beautiful, this stupid movie is an ugly sonavabitch, offering little in the way of satisfaction and leaving much less. The lack of ideas, poor production and aimless direction is tough enough by 20 minutes in, and almost intolerable by the first third alone. Don’t think like you have anything to prove by missing this one.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1285217/

By and large, plague disaster concepts are pretty ineffective concepts nowadays. But they aren’t that bad. There’s usually at least something to salvage when the crisis is threatening to reach its peak and survivors are wrestling for antidotes or contamination suites. Best for this in my opinion is the insane Crossed comic run, the Stand by Stephen King (the first chapters only), and also fun fact: the Ring, yes the Japanese movie is based on smallpox.

This copycat crap is simply awful and so ridiculous. Filled with unnecessary military bravado, pumped up with character nonsense and a cringing cheese script, it’s a real test to get through this from start to finish without rolling your eyes every several minutes and this is no exaggeration. Moreover, the sheer ineptitude of camera ability and direction is frustratingly tedious despite the obvious ambitions to classics like Predator, Aliens, plus any random virus flick or outer limits action flick.

From the beginning though it doesn’t seem so bad. Hell, it seems almost better than average. With mid-life crisis man Dean, super strong bitch Mandy, fat coward guy and the funny pilot, the mainly introduced cast appear to be a strangely formidable fusion at first. The pilot is by far the most watchable and powerful character, especially when he expresses loud confusion and anxiety when facing confusing types of clouds while flying a plane in the air full of passengers.

This brief detour into comedy and stability is very fleeting. The rest of the trip is a brainless, budgetless and uninspired tale of survival. Though starting at a relatively entertaining speed, there’s a serious lack of plot development or progression. Midlife crisis man is appallingly casted in their role as a lead, lacking in energy, ability or soul, staged like a male bimbo and appearing as robotic as a DOS command.

The crass editing displays an inexperienced and amateur attempt, especially with the heavy rock song which is pertually out of tune. At least the filmers are generally available to using tripods. Yet the lack of design or ambition to the construction of each scene is pretty pathetic. Most of it all seems rushed and disorientated with little leaving anything tasteworthy.

Probably the most disappoitning thing this dumbass film missed out on was a surprisingly worthwhile potential of characters, yet it’s not the worst crime, which is being a pile of shit. And although its aims are appreciable, the result is a dire wander into incompetence, ignorance, incapability which nobody needs to suffer from ever again. Avoid – like the plague.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2118009/

Oh wow, this really stinks. You kind of know from the DVD cover that these ones are only going to be average at best, but holy shit, really regret picking this one up out of the bargain bin. Time isn’t on my side either today so a short review of this trash is the only thing it gets.

Sad couple Albert and Rose are grieving the loss of their two children, and Rose is taking it pretty hard. So hard that they’re starting to see and hear things, strange doohickeys are happening in the house, pictures are falling off the wall, words are being written in the mirror… you get the drill.

You can really tell by the first 10-15 minutes how poorly drawn out and planned this all was. The lack of material is incredibly frustrating. Nearly every element of the story seems to have been borrowed from somewhere else. And while the actors are only amateurs, their robotic delivery of the script is cringeworthy and ruin any talent they may have wanted to show.

Although the writing is so incredibly weak and brittle, a little is admittedly saved by the generally mild editing and doable camera work, plus a nicely crafted soundtrack which gently idles away in the background. This was definitely a low budget gig so the production isn’t that bad; probably the best thing in all its painfully stagnant banality.

2/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_terrible_two

Bookworm Tiffani, bully Ella and the easily bullied Kevin are dying of boredom in their dull home city. In order to alleviate their frustration, and hopefully get some ass, they take a trip upstate to the town Swamp Hollow which impresses them with its serial killer reputation, and set out for their mission of history exploration and cheap thrills.

There’s a problem though – because a real life serial killer is on the loose. As soon as the gang set foot in town, the killings begin to start again, and the friends are left to fight for survival against the terrible masked enemy with his arsenal of industrial equipment and merciless taste for human flesh.

The violent execution displayed in the introduction is a rather dishonest representation of how most of the film goes. Rather than the urban action-packed feature it promises, as a torturer thrusts a cruel corkscrew into the belly of another victim, the tale then reverts and degenerates to dedicate itself mostly about the trio themselves as they wander about town, eventually and slowly encountering the killer.

Although together they conjure a somewhat interesting overlap, with the wildly different personalities making for curious results, their characters are neither sufficiently balanced nor devoted in time or quality. And anyway they’re no match for actually putting together a real story. Deficient in the way of any reliable material, the film pathetically limps from scene to scene, desperately lacking in content.

While all the faces in the flick are pretty much forgettable, Ella is one of the most cringeworthy and unlikable characters in a trash flick to exist. They are pointlessly egotistic, tediously self-centered, insufferably bombastic, and insultingly narcissistic; their overacting when they are hunted perhaps makes the best visual performance though, and that’s not saying much.

This is tragically fucking bad. Much more could have been created from the somewhat interesting mask-wearing character of death – honestly, just a drop more ability in that area would have made a difference. And the soundtrack isn’t bad either. Since its so ridiculous, and ending on such an appallingly bad twist, it’s definitely 100% one to miss.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6355580/

There’s a curiosity which has always appealled to me. Why did intelligence develop on land instead of the water? By volume of population alone, there’s no match. Since life is mostly mutation and natural selection, ocean-goers are clearly in heavier competition. And yet reason was developed and gifted to land-dwellers for no… reason.

None of it here either, as Toxic Shark aims to delight the viewer by throwing approval-seeking teens into the jagged teeth of a deranged and mutated amphibian monster. Featuring a cast of male chiguaguas with breasts superior to the women, skulls emptier than a black hole, and jaws so diagonal they evade radar, there’s at least some satisfaction when they are senselessly obliterated by the crazed predator.

Simply lurking in the water isn’t enough for this big guy. Once encountered, the shark sprays a green corrosive liquid, simultaneously infecting its victim with insanity and containing a rapidly infectious property. Soon, the whole tiny island of partying students have graduated into zombie mayhem, tearing themselves and the survivors apart.

Although there’s plenty of bloodshed, Toxic Shark has a disappointing lack of gore. Victims are mostly swallowed or merely removed from existence in the blink of a mouth. Considering the formidable ability of the antagonist to spawn evil indefinitely, this is a real missed chance to create scenes of more interesting destruction and depravity.

As the creature is built upon the corrupted effect of physical man-made pollution, there is no consideration of this force responsible for its unnatural calamity nor the harm it may be feeling. It’s fine to have a villain that makes no sense. It’s not fine to have protagonists that make no sense. Yet the flick has better ideas about that, launching from one empty discussion to another, remaining trivial and wasting its strength.

The final question is: why aren’t any of the girls stacked? OK there’s some ass, but look – if you’re gonna do a trash film and do such an appalling job of it, at least provide some more substantial tits. Food for thought.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6973866/