Category: 2/10

Putting someone under pressure is sometimes the only way to find out who someone really is. This is why plane disasters are such a great setting. Ripe for the design of characters to bring along their personal joy, pain and strife, which are to become amplified in the tiny space of a fragile piece of infrastructure speeding above the ground at 1km per 4 seconds.

Flight 7500 chronologues the tale of misfits at large – not excluding the crew themselves – their terrible venture into the unknown. Following the introduction of a strange man and his briefcase, people start dying; matters start to deteriorate, and soon it becomes a mystery enough for the passenger to take matters into their own hands.

One of the few high points in this flyer is the nicely crafted dysfunctional married duo. The exhaustingly demanding and selfishly critical wife contrasts strongly against their endlessly compromising husband. Their fatalistic goth antagonist is a nice bonus, contrasting ironically with her uptight counterparts, and offering a window to something more interesting.

The advantage is never taken of, and the movie reverts to a plodding hour of half-baked supernatural horror which is overall dismally dull and unsatisfying. Given that the main appeal of these flicks is the sight of fragile egoes corroding in the face of the inevitable, the lack of personality from pretty much the rest of the cast results in a crushing black hole of empty viewing.

The rest of the material is an aimless deviation from anything convincing or sensible and can’t land anything solid let alone a runway. It’s boring, dull and pointless. Although the story is wretchedly processed enough, the big twist at the end when everything is X is bewilderingly meaningless. You might as well see Final Destination again. Screw that, re-watch some good old X-files.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1975159/

Don’t go to Inverness. Because according to Dark Nature’s blurb, the entire area is inhospitable for mankind. Even worse, there’s a crazy murderer on the loose in the hills, with Emily and her family facing an evil killer who threatens to turn them all into chopped haggis in this stupid adventure based somewhere you’ll never go in Scotland.

Another road trip holiday disaster flick, a small family come to get away from the city life by taking themselves and their tourist money to the faraway land beyond Hadrian’s Wall. The overbearing mother clashing with her hooligan daughter while their oblivious father looks on (or just doesn’t give a shit) doesn’t make for such a bad start, and the music is intriguing well produced.

With somewhat interestingly educational elements – such as the species of moth which has evolved through natural selection to adapt specifically to human cities, and a forgotten piece of history wherein Americans accidentally invaded Scotland – and the playful scenes of mysterious yet tempting nonsense, there’s an attempt to build some form of appeal here. The scene of crawling insects in jars is especially creepy and perhaps its best.

The audio work itself alone is surprisingly good, and a refreshing break from the choice of sterile industrial soundtracks and drab pop music, as there’s a fascination with nature here which goes beyond the simple title. Filled with countryside life, the soft and weepy soundtrack sings behind the cackling of crows, singing of gulls and crunching of boots against leaves, and occasionally an ominous siren screaming in the distance.

It doesn’t help itself to be so unbelievably dull and meandering. Sloppy cameras, unambitious acting and an unconvincing story make for really tiresome viewing, with the attempt at a Lynchian fragmented structure falling completely flat on its face. Sure, this may be a young director, fair enough, but shit films will not help your new career.

2/10

http://www.darknature.net/

Wow this is low budget. Really low budget. Well not that that’s a problem – you can appreciate a flick that makes itself with the minimum of equipment, especially if someone’s just starting out. Gotta respect that. Not everyone is rich, because as you know reader, big budgets don’t necessarily mean quality.

Beginning with an introduction so dismally bad proves at least you know what you’re going to get. After finding themselves a house, two young renters invite their friends around to celebrate their new life only to discover evil spirits haunting their newly purchased property, and are plagued with nightmarish hallucinations and the vision of a disfigured nun. Well doesn’t that just suck. Kind of like this film as well.

Set predominantly in the haunted house, and sometimes in the pool out back (did you really need to rent a whole swimming pool!?), the new owners party and get drunk, falling into the clutches of the bizarre apparition which appears to have the intention on killing them all. The kids are defenseless against the evil entity, with only the shady sales agent who sold them the property in the first place seeming to stand a chance of survival.

This is straight-up cheap low fi horror. Rather than make a serious attempt to produce a meaningful adventure, Holy Terror spends an hour deliberately rolling around in its own ineptitude with a talentless cast and a story written presumably by an inexperienced and very hormonal teenager. Amateurish in every aspect, the camera work is awkward, the editing skills leave much to be desired with even the grindcore loop left noticably unfixed, and the rushed production – especially the half-baked antagonist – is cringeworthy and almost painful to watch.

Though it’s unreasonable to expect a classic maybe, at least a token of originality could have been attempted, like the dream sequence in the beginning for instance; this is a nice diversion and may have been expanded. The evil duo of monk characters have a nice sense of menace and also could have been employed a little further. Thankfully the film is cut short at 60 minutes before it becomes completely insufferable.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0290657/

“Hawks, buzzards, kestrels, falcons — he had forgotten the birds of prey. He had forgotten the gripping power of the birds of prey.” While Nat considers the crowds of finches and sparrows assaulting the building, throwing their appallingly tiny bodies against brick, he ruminates upon the murderous horror of the muscular and exotic members of the species: true predators, bloodthirsty in their normal aspect alone, now wickedly united against man to unleash nothing but death. It’s a line from The Birds which has always stuck with me.

This time it’s dogs. Rendered mad by the influence of a mysterious meteor, the once treasured pets suddenly become man’s worst friend as they turn upon their unsuspecting owners and unleash a terrible path of destruction upon a slice of smalltown americana. Even the most docile of companions become beserk with rage, with a new taste for human blood, and the survivors are left bewildered and overwhelmed as the canines overrun the population, leaving the streets littered with carnage, bodies and gore.

With the careful editing and co-ordination, the presentation of the dogs is definitely a win. There’s a good few moments where they really get to show their teeth, stalking, hunting and finally chewing apart the stupid men and women getting in their way, with their performance as animal actors arguably surpassing that of their own humans. The unnatural alliance of canines is a little creepy in itself and fun to watch, and at one point it’s suggest that felines are also possibly affected.

The predominant characters, conjured as a typical working-class crowd of townspeople, are designed as such presumably with the idea to be genuine and authentic. Instead they’re predictable, simple and plain, with the end result of being merely uninteresting and unsatisfying, showing little emotion as their loved ones perish. Unlike many sci fi B-movies, there’s no soldiers or scientists driving around to find a cure; so to enhance the horror, Night of the Wild uses defenseless civilians who don’t have much of a prayer. It just doesn’t really work.

Even though there’s a fair amount of panic and fear as nerve-wrecked humans stampede to safety, the shallow plot and lack of tension undo most of its work. The overexcited camera work is particularly disorientating and interfering; although admittedly this is a good strategy for the dog attacks, which are confidently the best parts of the flick, it wears out any scene where people are trying to talk or think about something. More use of a tripod would have been such a better option.

And for such brainless slapstick violence, there is a disappointing lack of comedy where the makers could have done more to not take themselves so seriously. This is where the film really misses the target; there’s so many opportunities that are missed, and even a few jokes could have gone a long way. Sadly there is no respite from the endless tedious pattern of chase scenes. At least the dogs are cool.

2/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/night_of_the_wild

Talking on the phone constantly during a movie in the cinema is generally considered bad behavior. A theatre is a place to enjoy a new experience, become briefly immersed into a different world, relieved from the responsibilities of this one. Someone gossiping on the phone about everyday events is particularly annoying; not just distracting, but antagonistic to the idea of taking interest in the normal instead of the fantastic. And if a patron does not respond graciously to others’ complaints, the staff are comfortably within their right to politely ask the offender if they would be so kind enough as to leave.

This film is the literal representation of the above. The character spends virtually the entire movie, sitting down in a seat in front of you, talking on their phone. They don’t move. They won’t budge. Occasionally they briefly abscond with the tantalising prospect that their departure is permanent, only as misfortune would have it to come right back to talk on the phone some more, with no one to throw them out.

Suffering from amnesia, and too afraid for their life to flee, Doctor Hope hunkers down in their vehicle during the zombie apocalypse. And that’s it. No, really: that’s it. Virtually the entirely of the flick is a helpless woman in a car, weeping on the phone, as lethal infectees crawl around outside. These are disappointing zombies too; they can’t even be bothered to try and break the window for that delicious cranial goodness.

While these are your typical monsters, Almost Dead accepts this, and attempts to deliver a new perspective by subverting the theme and subjecting the protagonist to an extended period of isolation. Hope despairs upon her deteriorating condition and reflects on the final hours of her life, clinging to faraway voices, broken memories, and their own misery, as the tale degenerates into a predictable the-government-did-it-all-along bash.

The lackluster performance of the script fails so poorly to deliver a convincing depiction of panic or dread. The rousing score is particularly out of place; rather than create an emotion of doom and hopelessness, the soundtrack curiously feels more designed towards a thrilling fantasy epic. Worse, Hope’s talent is wasted: clearly they are a confident and competent actor more than able to portray a convincing personality, and who probably spent much of the time wondering what the fuck was going on.

There’s nothing really wrong with this idea. The concept definitely could have been presented as formidable ingredient to an existing story, and could potentially have been an exciting sidekick in deeper terror. Alone, with so few ideas and such trashy direction, the flick is impossibly stretched thin, suggesting the superior option would have been a play, or an audiobook, or a short, or set of shorts as part of a larger piece of multimedia.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5037358/

I can never get this series. The first one is dreary and industrial, second is Blade Runner dark then the third is set in the blazing desert? Also why does each story have literally no relation to the next. Jesus christ what is your fucking problem?

The third installment of Cyborg is about a cyborg which wants to protect their child. Even though built artificiallly, through some mutation, their evolution has developed properties to the point that they can reproduce organically. “Recylcers”, or aggressive salvagers, are there to try and steal the equipment for a bargain price.

While most of the plot resolves around some tiresome conflict with the demise of humanity, some organic cyborgs have managed to develop life, and the surviving hicks can’t deal with them. Various stories and conflicts evolve but none of them are interesting or even coherent enough to take seriously, let alone understand.

Even though all performances in this film are terrible, along comes Bryniarski. What’s this guy doing here? Was he on the wrong way to Kevin Cosner’s Waterworld? His dutiful appearance is reasonably strong, and his diagonal jaw appears to be built out of platinum; probably also used to build submarines and warheads and that kind of thing.

Apart from that, despite its wild and exciting industrial themes, Cyborg 3 offers almost nothing original or of merit; not even any good music or designs. With suck a lack of orginality and creativity, this film just sucks. The only good part is the decent techno track at the beginning. Would hump a hooker to that, I guess.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112765/

Part adventure, part sci-fi, and mostly incomprehensible, this amazingly idiotic take on artifical intelligence makes barely any sense at all. Though beginning as an exotic post-apocalyptic tale, each scene becomes more separated from reality, meandering vaguely between wilderness and the urban world without really explaining itself.

The acting is dogshit. Not a particle of talent exists. Despite parading in a technologically advanced world, the film routinely collapses into realms of early American noir, crime, even cowboy themes, without any sufficient reason to do so. While encouraging itself with gunfights, it soon becomes exhausting and dull to tolerate the inane lack of structure or story.

With the themes of virtual and alternate reality, there’s some room for maneoveur; especially the main antagonist, which appears to be based on some kind of futuristic Pinhead. With a little luck and work it could have been close to a classic villain. Sadly, his character is barely used, built, or taken advantage of let alone explored.

This is some bad shit. It’s really bad and needs avoiding like pulsating red lava or green-glowing radioactive waste. One thing that has to be said though. When Deborah Shelton unloads that supreme rack. Oh my god! You can guess what this score is based on.

2/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110851/

How low can a movie go when it comes to budget? Is there an established consensus or clasffication of how poor a production can be? If not, let’s propose one; starting with tight budget, low budget, strapped for cash, art student, financially illiterate, permanently on welfare, living out of a shack, hunted by hitmen, with finally the ultimate of all: Alien Intruder.

Four unfortunate men are facing the remainder of their lives in a pitiful and violent incarceration when a military officer suddenly offers an opportunity for freedom. All is well until a mysterious woman appears, weaving amongst the men and wield them against each other to cause mayhem and murder.

The beginning of the journey is composed of laser-fights and beatdowns. This attempt to excite and engage the viewer is actually rather dull and uninvolving, mostly due to the incompetence of the camera. Packed full of overused tropes and clichés, the story soon becomes incredibly tiresome and samey; the foul-mouthed script and filth-minded seducer can’t replace the lack of imagination.

Probably its most interesting point is the holographic world created as a reward for the doomed convicts. Each makes their own choice, and each chooses a different style which appreciates their personality. With a little more development this could have been more interesting as there’s some fun to be had in watching the characters reveal themselves through their fantasies.

What is so hateful about this film is how everything is so sleazy and cheap. It’s not just the hilarious paper mâché spaceships, the painfully dated 60’s designs, the sad empty sets – many seeming as makeshift as possible and lacking sufficient props – the ripped off lines and lack of improvision, the brainless characters, the incredibly annoying MIDI music with repeated stock sound effects;

It’s the lack of thrills, originality, inspiration, or content. Any interest the makers had in their creation is virtually nil. What are famous veterens Tracy Scoggins and Billy Dee doing, known for their legendary talent, used to spectacular backdrops, why are they even hanging out in these dusty old dungeons in a terminally boring sci-fi? Guess you got to find some kind of work to pay for that crack habit.

2/10

Ready to sleep? You sure will be after this coma-inducing bullshit about a killer made out of sand – that’s if you can get past the unbelievably bad title track (which happens to be a staple of the film).

After presenting a somewhat interesting introduction which sets the scene for a disaster and an evil presence, the film presents its troupe who are off to hit the big time by writing about a group of local gangbangers. The most notable of these from start to finish is certainly Megan: a beaming, boyish blonde with a zesty attitude, colgate wink, and an intention to fuck the protagonist (she never does because he dies at the end).

From its workable beginnings, the rudimentary understanding of tragedy and suspense is rapidly punctured by a repetitive cycle of episodic nonsense. Minor characters are introduced, cycled and dispatched far too quickly, wasting their personalities and talent, and the entire adventure eventually rabbit holes itself into some unconvincing yarn about birthright.

The titular character kind of makes a cool antagonist. Their entrances are formidable and the voice acting is dynamic. His powers are reasonable, such as crumbling into dust, and limited to the point in which a mortal may defend themselves, like moisture or sunlight; the special effects being halfway decent to this.

Unfortunately, Sandman’s lack of intelligence is ridiculous. When he isn’t mumbling nursery rhymes to himself, his lines are atrocious “It’s bedtime!” Considering his powers, his creators may have known that high temperatures turn sand into glass, cement and sand creates concrete and so on, which would have expanded his deadliness.

No matter how bad it is, I can’t help thinking that with a little more work, the supernatural element of Sandman character and the preliminary experiments of realism could have been explored further to develop a more sophisticated monster which would surely have encouraged a meatier story and a darker horror.

2/10

In this dismal and forgettable tale, a group of men face the unknown from a recently unearthed structure and something which can only be described as some sort of entity or higher being which appears to inhabit it. 

With its attention to detail, clever acting, suggestive horror and obvious influences, there’s certainly skilled and educated men behind this movie. Which is why I don’t understand how they made such a mess of it. All its ideas are barely scraped upon, the plot is void of emotion and suspense, and the directive performance of “God” thwarts any power this film could have carried.

There’s clear signs of engineering in Black Mountain Side. But its heart is sterile. Nothing pierces the surface and the audience is simply lead around for a tedious adventure which evaporates into exasperating boredom. Go outside and walk around for 90 minutes – at least you’ll get some exercise. 

Rating: 2/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Mountain_Side_(film)