Hell High (1989)

A gang of rebellious students, feeling thwarted by the dominating personality of one of their teachers, decide to try and get their own back, leading to mayhem, violence, and big tits in your face every 20 minutes.

This is a fairly basic and fun slasher with a refreshing amount of gore and chaos. The free-spirited teen protagonists are liberated from any sense of accomplishment in life and have an enjoyably nihilistic outlook, so there’s no timewasting complicated story to unravel; it’s just straight up brainless horror. The soundtrack does a fine job of supplementing each scene, ranging from gloom to excitable shrieking, so that’s another bonus. 

Generally unremarkable, what struck out to me most was learning how lead actor Christopher Stryker died at 27. What a sad age to pass with so many years ahead. And also naming a character “Jon-Jon” – something else I can’t forgive.

Rating: 4/10

Bug (2006)

This formidable poster with its prominent rorschach print would lead any viewer to think this is one to exploit a phobia about evil bugs. Terrible termites. Rampaging roaches. Fucking flies. Flies are such a pain in the ass.

Bug is completely about people, however, and the vast majority of the film is purely theatrical. There is barely anything in the way of action scenes or car crashes; most of the film is discussion, consisting of two tragic personalities and their ever-deteriorating descent in to what can only be described as a shared delusion.

The acting is outstanding. These actors are real professionals, and they launch into a dazzling arsenal of heartbreak, fury, fear and passion. The script is intricately contentious, and the talent alone is stunning and worth a watch just for the performance. 

But for such strong messages in so contentious territory, there’s a serious disappointment with the lack of graphical communication. Icons are static. Settings are glued. The lack of visual experimentation is offensively disappointing, leading to ultimately a dull movie; leaving behind forever the more fearful impression it could have bitten.

Rating: 4/10

Union Furnace (2015)

Union Furnace has a fearsome premise. Through sheer choice, strangers sell their lives dearly to earn money, performing random and whimsical games for the pleasure of costumed sadists in a dehumanizing pantomime of sadism and brutality, each competing for their sheer survival.

Although fearfully presented, it’s eventually revealed that film wears its own mask to parade as a horror; where in truth, this is a drama, and too burdened with its horror overtones to be convincing. It’s too unwilling to weave a convincing story between its characters, while simultaneously too shy to serve up any gore.

While each contender is impressively flawed, each with their crushed lives and failed ambitions, they are served lines and deliveries which are too overcharged to take seriously, and the distant cinematography does an excellent job of helping in removing any kind of intimacy. The soundtrack, while well constructed, also suffers from amateurish direction and chaotic arrangement, taking attention away when the image alone would have been stronger, and offensively absent when emotions begin to build.

It’s such a shame. Such a damn shame! If only Union Furnace had a little more fire. And don’t let this film strut around like it’s some kind of original in virgin territory: The Running Man, Battle Royale, Cube, they’ve all been there and done this. Who are you fooling fucking hicks.

Rating: 3/10

Third Contact (2013)

Drinking himself to death, his practice a loss, and in a state of desperation, psychiatrist Dr. Wright is already in ruins when he falls into an incomprehensible cult and its strange machines in the exploration of reality itself.

Sometimes surreal and always dark, Wright is lost, useless and abandoned as a failure to his life and his lovers. Secondarily, it expands upon a secret society that has developed some kind of temporal technology which can manipulate the fabric of reality itself. With nothing to lose, he becomes entwined, enraptured and ultimately consumed.

Third Contact is incredibly impressive for its science, eroticism, violence and mystery, weaving Wright from one reality to the next. Although only zero budget, its sheer intelligence and ability alone should demand you give this at least one watch. 

Rating: 7/10

Black Mountain Side (2013)

In this dismal and forgettable tale, a group of men face the unknown from a recently unearthed structure and something which can only be described as some sort of entity or higher being which appears to inhabit it. 

With its attention to detail, clever acting, suggestive horror and obvious influences, there’s certainly skilled and educated men behind this movie. Which is why I don’t understand how they made such a mess of it. All its ideas are barely scraped upon, the plot is void of emotion and suspense, and the directive performance of “God” thwarts any power this film could have carried.

There’s clear signs of engineering in Black Mountain Side. But its heart is sterile. Nothing pierces the surface and the audience is simply lead around for a tedious adventure which evaporates into exasperating boredom. Go outside and walk around for 90 minutes – at least you’ll get some exercise. 

Rating: 2/10

Bilocations (2013)

Mundane at first, Bilocations grows as it performs with its careful direction, interesting ideas and compelling mystery. Sadly, they’re stretched out very thinly, become too convoluted and fail to deliver in this unimpressive mystery/thriller about ghostly doppelgängers.

We’re introduced to a host of stereotypical characters – a housewife, a cop, a student, a rich guy, and a unnecessary secretive guy – all facing the curse of “doubles” called Bilocations. These beings automatically seek to inflict chaos and destruction on the lives of their real counterparts. 

Questionably complex, with a habit of performing plot twists that hadn’t satisfied a reason to be revealed in the first place, Bilocations is stretched out way too long to justify its 2 hours. Its curious arrangement of events and insistence on romance is suspiciously episodic, suggesting that a TV drama or series of comic books was likely, and would have been better, as its original form.

Rating: 4/10

Living Hell (2005)

One of my most paranoid ideas about an antagonist has always been a malicious and endlessly replicating growth which never stops until physically confined; and the danger it would face to humanity if allowed to spread in the open. 

No more waiting: Living Hell is a nice little number from the old Sci-Fi channel days when a terrible organism spreads uncontrolled into the human landscape, assimilating and killing relentlessly. With no ado, the story rails immediately into action, with a powerless military and a doubtful future for life on earth. 

The general plot is uninspired, with an uninspired and thin story development, a bunch of two-dimensional characters, their predictable survivals (and demises), but its aggressive pace and well-executed antagonist make for worthwhile mayhem. And if you’ve ever played Soma – you might be interested seeing the last 15 minutes to see something you might consider familiar! 

Rating: 5/10

I Am Omega (2007)

Little more than an imitation a popular movie with a similar name, released at a similar time, I Am Omega is a fairly dull survival thriller which serves its entertainment competently, but has been done a hundred times before and better. 

The beginning is fairly decent, concentrating much on the mental hardship of daily isolation and confusion in the face of being a post-zombie plague survivor, and does a halfway job of appreciating the strain this has on the protagonists’ humanity. Renchard’s journey to salvation is determined but harsh and as per the theme his enemies include other humans as well as the undead (or whatever they are this time).

Although laudably predictable, nothing strikes out as offensively bad, and there’s a half decent amount of work with the set design, makeup, props and so on – not bad considering the film’s tiny budget. Predictable, but watchable.

Rating: 4/10 

Cloverfield (2008)

Cloverfield uses the “found footage” direction as a method of insisting upon authenticity. It is weakened by its stupid posturing and overblown effects, with characters determined to be as plastic and artificial as the equipment that filmed them.

This primitive and masturbatory simulation of terror is undermined by the existence of the footage itself. Why film a catastrophe when your life is instantly at risk for doing so? There would be no advantage even for the most whimsical – they would face immediate danger.

Despite this fatal initiation, the movie continues, repeatedly punctured by empty performances, eye-rolling action scenes, questionable special effects and overblown sound design, all to feed a narcissistic desire of self-importance. 

The relentless abundance of symbols indicative of class is also tiresome; despite the wild destruction and fearsome explosions, Cloverfield maintains a tireless supply of jewelry, phones, shoes and haircuts to wear. Maybe this is a monster movie after all.

No rating 

Kristy (2014)

Kristy opens with an instantly satisfying theme of murder and mystery. The deft editing, sharp sound production and grim territory suggest an interesting thriller, and no complaints about the brunette jumping around in their underpants either.

Haley Bennett (Justine) isn’t just a cute butt, but also puts on a pretty good display, as tormenting forces beyond her control drive her to desperation and misery. Sadly, their skill is wasted in an hour-long game of cat and mouse in mundane urban world where every character has the personality of a stereotype, and whoever did the eyeliner got to be the storyliner.

The production is admittedly impressive and convincing, with careful lighting design and camera ability in nearly every frame; and the soundtrack is a powerful force of balance, versatile enough to command both composure and panic. A lot of skill and money was put into its composition.

But in terms of creativity, Kristy is completely bankrupt of ideas, offers no suspense, and becomes too obviously cosmetic to take seriously. Maybe these guys would be better off doing makeup commercials.

Rating: 3/10