Category: 3/10

More dumb bitches get chopped into pieces in this trashy yet relatively entertaining slasher about a group of strippers faced with a crazed psychopath. If you’re bored and want to see a bunch of stupid sluts take off their clothes and get turned into mincemeat, then you’ve come to the right place. If not, this might not be the right review blog for you.

After humiliating a bar owner, a group of feisty entertainers decide to park their big fat butts on a campground for the night with the intention of exposing them in front of drunk patrons. Fine in my book, because a girl’s gotta make a living. If there was anything more to the story for a synopsis then apologies: it was genuinely difficult maintaining enough interest to pay attention.

Though mostly a tedious ramble into familiar territory, and seriously lacking in any substantial material, the jumpscares are alright and the gore isn’t too bad. Some of the kill scenes are pretty gruesome and violent; thankfully there’s no tacky special effects, with the direction relying on props, costumes and makeup. This was a good choice as they’re done convincingly well a by crew clearly experienced with the job.

Its main selling point for sure is the surprisingly decent performances and fun personalities from the unashamed bimbos as they fight for survival against their merciless axe murderer. Refreshingly, they actually have a sense of comedy and aren’t afraid to not take themselves seriously instead of being the stone cold props which most slashers seem to produce, and put up an excellent show of screaming and squirming for their lives against the brutal antagonist.

This is probably the weakest point of the flick. Weakened by a lack of clarity as to what he actually is, other than an undeveloped and generic homicidal maniac who appears to slaughter without discrimination and collect human heads, his idea or reason to exist is barely discussed or explored at all. There’s also the question how someone which is constantly growling and attacking people with the ambition of decapitating them is walking around freely in society. Yeah… not normal.

By the end the whole thing has lost the plot and has collapsed into disappointing meaninglessness. Usually spoilers are against the rules in these writeups but this one is an exception, because the bullshit decision to kill off everyone was completely self-destructive and unnecessary; with the strongest appeal of the flick being the characters themselves and their down-to-earth personalities, something more memorable could have been salvaged or accomplished from the mayhem.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2235876/

It’s time for a piece a shit slasher! Teens must fight for their lives in a deadly game of survival against a supernatural evil while they camp at a lake and mysteriously die then whatever it doesn’t matter you’ve already got it.

This one has no brains, no ideas and no ability. The inability of the characters to generate a meaningful or convincing connection ensures that any interesting personality is thwarted. Since most of the film is based on relationships, its limited exploration is a major and fatal failing.

Despite the total lack of any budget or even any particular talent, the simplicity of the show has a little charm and shows some bravery, and there’s an efficiency of direction which makes the film watchable. It’s clear there was barely any money in this production and yet the participants still wanted to do this, and managed it somehow.

The blonde guy and black-haired girl provide some comic relief, the neurotic tall guy is kind of likeable, and the sociable Hispanic dude does a doable job as a leader. It’s clearly only meant to be a primitive knock-off; if you can manage to crawl through to the end there’s actually an interesting rewarding twist provided you paid attention.

Another sad casuality is the amazing “Lake Effect” song from the resident band which appears to have been forgotten by time. Based on the vengeful thoughts following an accident involving an ice cream van, it’s creative and brilliant. Took me ages to find the record and it was worth it.

This got featured on Bloody-Disgusting as “Number 5 of the 10 lamest days of horror of all time”. Yeah, it’s complete nonsense; no lie about that. At least it tries. Being stupid is fine, being dull is okay, being incompetent is alright. Not trying is the real crime.

3/10

It happens to everyone. You’re taking a stroll or cruising through town, innocently exploring a street or an area with no real objective or reason, appreciating some well-kept terraces, idly lost in your own thoughts. Suddenly the gardens appear delapitated. Public transport seems to be missing. Filth is everywhere. Why are there no police? Welcome to the hood, dumbass.

Girls Gone Dead is a trip on the wrong side of town, and not in a good way. Our trek follows the adventures of some brain-dead bitches who decide to get drunk and party on a weekend trip and thankfully get chopped up into pieces by an axe-weilding maniac. It’s stupid, it’s sleazy, it’s dumb, and someone clearly didn’t stop to think that putting seven teenage girls in a room together for 2 days doesn’t NEED a murderer for the killing to begin.

For the whole, there’s nothing particularly good or bad here; this is plain old unashamed and unpretentious fun. The gore and props are okay, the tunes are alright, and the performances are the best you’re going to get from a cast of lead actors which are performing in front of a camera without a dick down their throat for the first time, with all the acting talent you can find in a bangbros porno.

There’s a lot of comedy too, with quips littered throughout the script, and also these spoof commercials. In the opening, a television evangelist laments “These souls are in danger”, with the response “These girls’ holes, that’s what’s in danger”. Despite being very simple, these mock advertisements are actually pretty funny and probably even the best parts of the film itself.

An hour and a half is a little too long and it would have easily been improved by shaving off a few minutes – especially by removing some of the initial scenes and cutting to the chase a little faster. A little more obscenity could have been great for the entertainment factor. And that’s about it. Girls Gone Dead, dumber than a rock, straighter than an arrow, and cheaper than your own mother.

3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1884318/

Union Furnace has a fearsome premise. Through sheer choice, strangers sell their lives dearly to earn money, performing random and whimsical games for the pleasure of costumed sadists in a dehumanizing pantomime of sadism and brutality, each competing for their sheer survival.

Although fearfully presented, it’s eventually revealed that film wears its own mask to parade as a horror; where in truth, this is a drama, and too burdened with its horror overtones to be convincing. It’s too unwilling to weave a convincing story between its characters, while simultaneously too shy to serve up any gore.

While each contender is impressively flawed, each with their crushed lives and failed ambitions, they are served lines and deliveries which are too overcharged to take seriously, and the distant cinematography does an excellent job of helping in removing any kind of intimacy. The soundtrack, while well constructed, also suffers from amateurish direction and chaotic arrangement, taking attention away when the image alone would have been stronger, and offensively absent when emotions begin to build.

It’s such a shame. Such a damn shame! If only Union Furnace had a little more fire. And don’t let this film strut around like it’s some kind of original in virgin territory: The Running Man, Battle Royale, Cube, they’ve all been there and done this. Who are you fooling fucking hicks.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2705870/

Rating: 3/10

Kristy opens with an instantly satisfying theme of murder and mystery. The deft editing, sharp sound production and grim territory suggest an interesting thriller, and no complaints about the brunette jumping around in their underpants either.

Haley Bennett (Justine) isn’t just a cute butt, but also puts on a pretty good display, as tormenting forces beyond her control drive her to desperation and misery. Sadly, their skill is wasted in an hour-long game of cat and mouse in mundane urban world where every character has the personality of a stereotype, and whoever did the eyeliner got to be the storyliner.

The production is admittedly impressive and convincing, with careful lighting design and camera ability in nearly every frame; and the soundtrack is a powerful force of balance, versatile enough to command both composure and panic. A lot of skill and money was put into its composition.

But in terms of creativity, Kristy is completely bankrupt of ideas, offers no suspense, and becomes too obviously cosmetic to take seriously. Maybe these guys would be better off doing makeup commercials.

Rating: 3/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2027136/reviews

A renegade shock jock must hear the screams of murder as a brutal zombie infection takes over the city in this uninspired and forgettable thriller. 

Although Dead Air is playful and whimsical to begin with, and a sense of dread and desperation looms as the plague takes over, the film quickly descends into tedium as it becomes apparent that most of it takes place in the studio, leaving little adventure to chew on. Action is brief, scenes are stretched out far too long, performances are wacky at best and the lack of visual material leaves you wondering if a shorter film or even an audio-only production would have been a better arrangement.

And its attempt to critically investigate the political and ethical matter of terrorism in media leave much to be desired. Despite Bill Moseley’s fearsome big-balls attitude, Dead Air’s conclusions are timid and nervous when tackling the impact of shock media in society, especially when it comes to the role of the government. What a shame, because it’s such a good subject: the area of shocking events and our media’s presentation of them is arguably a force of glorification, which the movie completely overlooks, preferring to sit on the fence and cling onto the safe conclusions which media companies have decided themselves. 

Rating: 3/10

Going in raw with the expectation of a energetic horror, this turned out to be nothing more than a dull, shallow teen slasher, with a disappointing lack of slashing.

This is an 80’s adventure about a mad scientist attempting to take control of USA using TV. Not like there isn’t a reality of that already, and it’s a pretty interesting subject matter to explore – propaganda in media is powerful and contentious issue. The Brain makes no serious attempt in this discussion however, resorting to cheap thrills and even cheaper props to carry itself.

The introduction is pretty cool, I thought – nicely co-ordinated and well presented, so it was tough to see the rest of the flick fall into tedium. There’s a good decaptiation of a policeman later on though. And the blonde is a nice piece of ass.

Rating: 3/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brain_(1988_film)