Category: 4/10

Everyone knows that in order to communicate with dark Gods, all you need to do is go to an isolated rural village full of eccentric weirdos, conduct an esoteric ritual, wa la! Easier than a lasagne. Your boss gives you your job back, you lose 10 pounds, holy shit, maybe even people start taking you seriously for fucking once.

Wake Wood may be about witchcraft, but it’s hardly spellbinding. Though it’s not exactly bad in any sense, and somewhat retains a few interesting scenes, there isn’t much investment beyond generating more than intermediate moments of gentle suspense and some brief overtures into body horror. Nonetheless it’s an alright watch, if a fairly eventless one.

For a flick based on the loss of a child, this starts off pretty gruesome, promptly initiating with the ferocious mutilation of Patrick and Louise’s daughter. It’s just the beginning of their concerns as they discover there could be a way to bring them alive again; that is of course the task of the stereotyped backward villagers. Get an internet connection already you cowfuckin’ hillbillies!

Despite the fearsome introduction, the viewer is then drawn into a long, slow, overdrawn, boring, and uninteresting yarn on a dead child brought to life. Its focus on the dramatic rather explicit attempt at terror is a generally sensible directive choice; it certainly enhances the eerie mood of mystery and uncertainty, yet does eventually come across however as limiting and disconnected as opposed to emotional or interactive.

Although there’s a little superficial handling of morals, with a handful of quick and cut discussions on ethics, it’s far from a thought-provoking review of mortality and resurrection. Probably the most impressive feature is the acting which is admittedly okay. Birthistle doesn’t really feel like the best pick, leaving an impression they were chosen for the role due to their popularity or industry relationships, yet by the time you’ve learned this you’re already digesting how corny it is.

There’s a couple of chances which threaten to be almost intimidating, exploiting the fear of the unknown and the unnatural clashing with reality. Unfortunately it’s an adventure with a disappointing lack of ambition, enthusiasm, exploration, or content further than the strictly average. And everything would have been avoided if only they’d considered adoption.

4/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1296899/

You ready for some cheap to almost zero-budget slashing? Bloodletting ponders the tale of two deranged murder-obsessed maniacs, one a committed serial killer, another an aspiring young fan who team up and scheme together to unleash aimless mayhem. Well, even more aimless mayhem.

This isn’t a serious flick nor does it pretend to be. Featuring scene after scene of silly antics, adolescent innuendo and improbable dismembering, its makeshift acting, crude dialogue and foulmouthed script is best for trash lovers and unambitious viewers whose expectations are met with lines filled with the word “fuck”, and curious directive choices such as the blasting of a baby with a shotgun.

The digital filming is not so easy on the eyes. To be straight up, it’s an ugly son of a bitch, and the decently coordinated camera work and handling can’t seem to make up for it or convincingly compensate. The makeup is rudimentary, if we’re being polite, and the sets are very low quality too, consisting of what mostly seems to probably be the same house with differently arranged furniture, or ad hoc basements and garages.

There’s something half decent of a story too as the criminals explore their unnatural relationship. Butch begins to hesitate at the ramifications of all their grisly career while his butcher-in-arms only wants to turn the volume up. Highs and lows encounter the pair, emotions erupt and eventually it gets completely out of hand, with consequences that shouldn’t really surprise anyone.

Well this isn’t great and way too absurd for any serious interest to be captured, but it’s a hell of a lot better than similar indie flicks relative in terms of production, simply due to its ability to hold a story down with a pace that doesn’t leave the audience stranded or confused – which is an admirable achievement considering so many contenders do exactly that. Not a classic, neither a disaster either.

4/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0126820/

God really likes Rockwell Falls. And He likes it just the way it is. So much that the human population has to stay directly at 436 at all times. Any deviation to this is not really treated very well, cue the fiery death as Population 436’s introduction which should give you some insight into what an asshole God is, if you’ve not read the Bible and learned firsthand anyway.

Enter Mr. Dickhead from Chicago who’s come to perform a census, poke his nose everywhere and be a general nuisance in this cursed rural American town which is presumably set somewhere in the post-boomer trump-voting midwest. Of course he gets what he deserves: trapped in a terrible group of paranoid cultists whom have no intention of letting him escape to his real life.

Nothing really goes extremely wrong here; the story plods along reasonably, staying safe yet generally holding itself together with a respectable coherance, and ending with a satisfying finale, even if it becomes just as dull and unexciting as the uninteresting town it depicts. For supernatural terror this is about as plain and vanilla on the menu and probably influenced mostly by the excellent 1973 Wicker Man.

There’s so many areas where greater development could have been created. The sense of isolation to be trapped in an alien place is only tentatively explored; the madness of the damned inhabitants has no real insight, and also overlooked is the potential for a discussion of religion, and how it both settles and displaces people. We began with our spirituality as nomads, so could this be connected somehow?

What appealled to me during the course of this forgettable crap was how a town which required to maintain a firmly static population could exist. Every settlement on earth requires its people to involve in some sort of trade or travel. Its plumbing and electricity surely require a fair amount of workers for installation and maintenance.

So it would have been fun to see some ideas about the villagers cheating “God”. First, you’d need to establish the exact parameters of the town. Then, carefully move people outside of them the moment an outsider enters, and return likewise (keeping in mind that this only applies to overnight stays). Some interesting engineering could potentially have been explored. Damn, need to watch Primer again for that fix.

4/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0462482/

HMMM. That’s kind of the feeling this one leaves you with at best. To be fair, it has had a lot of criticism and some pretty harshly toned reviews, so this intrepid investigator went out to explore for themselves and understand what all the commotion was about.

Henge begins relatively normally. (Normal, this is, in terms of Japanese style horror.) Yoshiaki is living a fairly simple life following the recovery of violent and strange seizures. With his devoted wife Keiko, his plans to return back to normality are soon interrupted as they begin again, this time with a rather odd case of sudden and temporary mutation. This unfolds as bizarre murders are happening in the same town, and yeah, doesn’t take a genius to start adding that up.

While set mostly in the couple’s house at first, slowly the film refreshingly creeps into the open, allowing for a greater visual impression. The lack of sets, low budget makeup/costumes and the tiny cast are achingly tough to get through; Aizawa’s above average performance makes up for somewhat, but you can’t help being left as if more effort and design was arranged into the practical realities of the production.

Although there is the obvious Tetsuo: The Iron Man influence, there are a few interesting aspects here which may possibly have been restructured to metaphorically show how domestic abuse works: the way it slips into the home undetected, develops over weeks and months, always seeming to excuse itself, and eventually swallows a person or a household with its own reproduction in mind. This was certainly my reaction from the actions of Keiko and her interactions with her rapidly mutating husband. Sadly, this isn’t the point of the flick.

There’s a handful of good moments of crazy murder and deranged depravity. So not everything is lost exactly. It’s the wild tangent that Henge takes which damages its watchability – not to mention credibility. By the end the narrative has rearranged itself from an attempt at psychological drama into something like a full-blown monster movie. Though its ambition and experimental nature is commendable, admittedly, this is a hell of a leap, and perhaps a focus on stronger balance between the two influences styles would have worked out more convincingly.

4/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henge_(film)

The Ruins (2008)

Why are plants green? Chlorophyll. They grow this substance because they’re living solar panels which convert pure sunlight into energy through a process called photosynthesis. You are now smarter thanks to my blog. Unless you learned that in school in which case fuck you, smartass.

If they didn’t have this green stuff, how on earth would they get their food? A bunch of kids are going to find out in this fairly watchable and entertaining horror about a secret mayan temple and the not exactly hospitable inhabitants inside. Sadly it’s let down by messy structure, tedious dialogue and an emptiness of imagination in the paranormal zone.

This is a slow starter. The first 20 minutes feel uncomfortably overstretched, dragging along before anything happens. Even after the flick suddenly rears its brutality, it then reverts to more romantic posturing and pretentious character squabbles, with a long wait for the next delivery of some disaster or action that moves things along. If you’re gonna watch this, get used to this.

The camera work also feels sluggish, distant, and unprepared, and there’s a distinct lack of design somewhere in the story where suspense seems to be forgotten and nearly every scene is either too long, too short, or should have been cut out entirely. That’s not to say there’s no good parts; the scene of the kids being extracted out of the well as the enemy crawls around them was admittedly a nail-biting and well executed moment, and there’s more in store.

The lack of innovation with the four friends is also a miss. This isn’t the fault of the actors at all – if anything they’re above average, most notably Jonathan Tucker who creates an impressive display of stress and angst, but all leave a surprisingly good impression, clearly being very experienced and capable in their jobs.

Well, this is a pretty basic survival horror. While it’s not exactly terrible, and definitely superior to a lot of trash, the main drawback is the sloppy storytelling and editing, with the arbitrary super-abilities of the antagonist as another strong negative, ironically helping to render meaningless the terror it threatened to create.

4/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0963794/

Working in a morgue sounds fascinating. Not only is the morbid landscape of the dead keeping their secrets so quietly, there’s also the prospect that one day they might threaten to reveal them. Then again, it’s likely they won’t. At least they’d be the easiest subjects in the world to protect as they won’t complain about food, sleep or treatment. The perfect client!

Security guard and student Bells finds that his job isn’t so simple however, and becomes wound up in suspicion and deceit in this mediocre supernatural crime mystery. Though roughly entertaining and generally watchable, it’s way short of anything fantastic or memorable and hardly anything to remember, perhaps apart from the stupid wigs.

Wide-eyed Bells seems like he has a good rap at first. Friends, college, and a sweet gig at a medical facility. Things take a tumble when the murders begin, and though innocent, the evidence puts himself straight in the spotlight, facing off detectives and also dealing with his stupid friend who seems to be nothing but trouble.

The best thing to me was the technically dark setup. There’s barely a scene where a room isn’t drenched in darkness, where cigarette smoke isn’t bouncing off forbidden files. The efficiently structural cinematography makes for good viewing too, capturing atmosphere, actions and emotions with clarity and efficiency.

It’s a really corny watch though. It’s so cheesy, and the over-theatrical soundtrack doesn’t help either, helping to remove the mood of any real horror. Apart from being general thriller fodder, none of the characters seem to hold much purpose or live in any kind of respective reality. Somehow the original translation became lost in an appeal for fashionable cinematics, and the result is a fairly drab thriller.

5/10

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1082428_nightwatch

Trying to grasp how many stories have been influenced in some way or another by Lovecraft would not be easy. This isn’t just the occasional movie with a subtle adapation or the occasional homage; you’d need entire libraries of art, literature and music and could not ignore the studios actively in production today which have in some way or another borrowed some ideas of his wild creativity and made them the central spine of a new story.

The theme of an ancient universal evil and its disasterous entry into the modern world is so original and threatening that our own understanding of technology and reality become aggressively questioned on a primal level. There’s no use turning to the men of science – they were even the first ones to give up in this dark world. And even from a distant perspective, one can see the question of religion and supersitution which exists in competition (or perhaps as part?) of our consumerist culture.

In this wretchedly dull family flick about demons escaping from their hellish realm and clawing into earth via a middle class backyard, the viewer sadly must face different questions about their sanity as to what force encouraged them to watch it in the first place. Presumably crafted to be a Home Alone meets Color From Outer Space, several children are faced with survival against the demonic presence emanating from a crashed meteor which threatens to break down more than just their surburian picket fence but into our very world itself.

Drab, repetitive, predictable and dull, this is more a case of the superficial than the supernatural. With a predominantly cast of children, there is at least some attempt to explore their joys, yet little to exploit their fears. This is what really stood out most to me – the two-dimensional stereotypical characters and their lack of personality. That isn’t to say the acting was badly bad; they are so poorly written and prepared to a depth for the impending destruction that unfolds.

The special effects aren’t that bad, with some surprising monster elements and gentle body horror, and the elementary plodding pace finally picks up towards the end making for a somewhat satisfying ending providing you could ever manage the first 15 minutes. What can’t be forgiven are the cartoon-like protagonists. With a set built in the family home, there is sadly little exploration of disasters that can happen there too without need for something from outer space; and this was released only a year after Stephen King’s It, whom was at least prepared with writing young minds who were coping beyond the agony of losing a toy rocket ship.

A sad casuality is the outstanding “Love Will Find A Way” by Vince Carlucci. This hit is played during the party scene in the early stages of the film and is sadly lost in time. What a great track. What a horrible end. Trapped forever in a mediocre children’s film. Someone must have pissed off the old gods real good for this.

4/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gate_(1987_film)

After being released from Riker’s – holy fuck that must have been some fucked up shit you did to get there – ex-convict Bobby Reynolds attempts to throw away the past and start his life over again. He gets a job, rebuilds the relationship with their girlfriend, keeps out of trouble, and hopes to settle down.

Unfortunately for them, their troubles are not over yet. In fact they only appear to be beginning. Despite a free man, not only does the general public distrust him, he must also face more opposition in the form of a growing supernatural presense which promises to destroy everything he’s worked for.

Lame, dull, and unexciting, The Echo tells the tale of Reynolds as he is molested by strange hauntings and evil spirits. Ignorant to the fascinating subject of incarceration and prison culture, the background of the ex-convict protagonist is blatantly fabricated, and more of a quick excuse to present the fearsome reality of an isolated and excluded individual, without the authenticity to back it up.

The unsmiling Bobby is a theatrical disappointment. They’re obviously a very educated and capable actor who relishes their role, and yet the script demands they lack feelings, emotion, or to take joy in pretty much anything. Their permanent grimness isn’t scary or forboding: it just looks dull-witted and unintelligent. This goes for most of the 2 bit two-dimensional characters who all get to look as dumb than concrete.

The incredibly arranged lighting produces an enchanting and musky atmosphere of forboding and warmth. Scenes speak in their own silence as they’re bathed in an intimate darkness and powerful flourescent scarlet. It’s very slickly designed and professional worthy of any crime thriller mash or slasher, easily setting the ground for an ultimate horror.

Sadly, tomorrow never comes. While the meandering tale is capable of avoiding to fall into complete nonsense, nor does it present any particular threats, ideas or characters worthy of interest. It’s just very basic. Beautiful, calm, and enchanting, but uncompelling, shallow, and basic.

4/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Echo_(2008_film)

Virtuosity (1995)

Over-dramatic techno-thrillers like this were all the rage in the 90’s. Nowadays they’re pretty cringeworthy and maybe for an unfair reason. Our relationship with technology has changed dramatically over the last 20 years: We generally want more sustainability, accountability, and respect with our technology, if anything to avoid our computers to start running around in the streets with guns and ideas of their own.

Sadly, this is the case in Virtuosity. Ex-cop Barnes must face off a crazy computer program adorned with a humanoid body and embedded with different personalities – one of whom killed Barnes’ family, destroyed their career and catapulted them into prison. With the police at a loss, it is up to him to face the deranged killer, stop the fucker from killing even more people, and maybe retrieve a normal life in the process.

While routinely dabbling in subjects of crime and technology, the theme of the play is animosity – specifically that of Barnes and his taunting nemesis. Crowe puts on a thorough and excellent job of this, leaping from one insane state of mind to the next; while the unsmiling Washington only appears determined and resentful, robotic and stunned to his counterpart in comparison.

There’s further irony as the story uses the antagonist to exploits flaws in human society. Unlike the stone cold Terminator, this artificial intelligence is narcissistic and eccentric, exploiting and perhaps even criticizing popular television as an influence. For instance, when it hijacks a TV station, kills the staff and puts on its own show, ratings skyrocket!

These interesting discussions and the rest are cut short by the film’s taste for underwhelming fight scenes, crappy story-lining and also an irritatingly intrusive overblown score. The racy and constant editing burdens the perspective of any scene, and the heavy orchestral booming is especially overblown, annoying and tedious.

Possibly the most lacking area is the inability for the script to convincingly generate people capable of choices. Though almost reaching a display of legendary unison between evil and goodness, where both are represented by individuals and neither far apart, instead all the humans are stale, contrived, and predictable against the mad AI. Strangely, it’s that who seemed to be the most human after all.

4/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114857/

It’s time for yet another haunted house flick. How many of these things are there? This time the ghosts aren’t so obvious, taking not the shape of gremlins or demons, but in the form of secrets and forbidden tales in this plain Jane drama, known also as Stranger in the House.

Recently wed, Eve is here to try and settle into her home, located in her partner’s hometown. Inspired by her new life and filled with hope for the future (not to mention treated as royalty in a massive fucking house), she must face the cracks that begin to appear in the facade, soon falling into a world of whispers and gossip, becoming ever more motivated to discover her husbands dark past.

This one has more than your average amount of polish. Snazzy set design, careful acting and a gently depressive score build a comfortable yet unsettling environment. Some of the performances and characters are not bad at all; Eve, protagonist, timid and warm housewife, contrasts impressively with her distant husband, the eccentric villagers, and most especially the chilly personality of her housemaid who mercilessly thwarts any kind of friendship she tries to build.

Initially the mystery is appreciatively convincing. The movie only drip-feeds its vital clues, encrypting its intentions, proving difficult to crack and makes for a worthwhile watch. At first. Sadly, through the use of pretentious overdramatics, sloppy writing and overloaded gimmicks, interest begins to wain rapidly towards the midpoint as the film soon exhausts its promises, and trust me, it really doesn’t get any better.

Toying with the suggestion of the paranormal rather than overtly creating any visible malice is a nice directive trick – the first one or two times. Soon it becomes a very overused and unwelcome cliché. And as the entire show reveals itself to become solely focused on only the decaying trust under Eve’s unravelling marriage, things only become more contrived and exhausting, as a series of multiple twists ruin what was to begin with a fairly tidy affair.

Overall this is a standard, safe, basic, normal, routine, generic watch. Slickly presented, dumb as dirt, nothing fantastic, not terrible, enjoyably watchable, mostly forgettable, a netflix-tier slice of solid pulp with an unknown adorable eye-candy protagonist which is sadly underused.

4/10

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2618590/